Laughter, confusion, anxiety and outrage: These were the four emotions that pervaded the 79th Academy Awards ceremony last Sunday. And though the Oscars seemed to drag on forever this year, this Scene reporter sat through it all and recorded his reactions ... all of them.
8:28 p.m.: Oh, thank God! That mindless preshow red carpet affair is over!
8:42 p.m.: Ellen says something about gays and blacks in show business, and the camera pans to Portia de Rossi - and then Will Smith. Oh television, how I love your power to visualize.
8:44 p.m.: A tambourine in Ellen's hand? A gospel choir? Ellen's doing pretty well. She's funny, but she plays it safe. I like that. I like nonthreatening people.
8:50 p.m.: What?! "Pan's Labyrinth" won Best Art Direction?! How outrageous and unexpected!
8:55 p.m.: Oh, man, Will Ferrell has the best fro ever right now. And this song is tight. It's so true - comedians totally have it rough at the Oscars. Remember that one time when Jim Carrey didn't even get nominated for "Man on the Moon"? But then he was one of the award announcers that year and was all like, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's great just to get nominated." And then he pretended to cry. That was high-larious. Jim Carrey should totally be the Oscars host next year.
9 p.m.: What?! "The Little Match Girl" totally got robbed for Best Animated Short!
9:13 p.m.: OK, so that guy in "Police Academy" who made funny sound effects with his voice? Cool. But a whole choir? More frightening than an anorexic Carson Daly.
9:27 p.m.: I may not know anything about sound editing, but I really think Lon Bender should have won that Oscar.
9:31 p.m.: Were James Taylor and Randy Newman always this lame?
9:37 p.m.: Al Gore's not really going to announce his candidacy for president, right? Oh man, DiCaprio is totally Al-struck!
9:44 p.m.: Blasphemy! "Cars" was way better than "Happy Feet"! Dang penguins!
9:46 p.m.: Wow, if this montage is correct, writing is the most exciting, dramatic profession there is!
10:06 p.m.: This video for Sherry Lansing (Jean Hersholt Award winner) is so boring!
10:07 p.m.: Oh, wait it's talking about cancer now - that's not boring.
10:09 p.m.: Man, Sherry Lansing is so boring!
10:28 p.m.: This foreign movie montage ? troppo lungo!
10:33 p.m.: I don't care if they can make themselves look like a plane with snakes writhing around it. These silhouette people are mad weird.
10:43 p.m.: The Oscars are so freakin' long! They haven't even done Best Original Score yet!
10:45 p.m.: Haha, Jerry Seinfeld had to clear his throat.
10:52 p.m.: Did Clint Eastwood just come from a saloon? He totally stumbled through that introduction.
10:55 p.m.: Celine Dion?! Oh, God, no!
11:14 p.m.: Woo hoo! "Little Miss Sunshine" won Best Original Screenplay!
11:25 p.m.: Man, "Dreamgirls" has three nominations for Best Original Song. Talk about stacking the Oscars. They can't lose!
11:29 p.m.: What?! "An Inconvenient Truth" won Best Original Song?! Has the rising heat of planet Earth gone to the Academy's head?
11:40 p.m.: Why is there a montage of American movies? To provide balance for the foreign movie montage earlier? I thought that montage was shown to provide balance. And shouldn't the Oscars be over by now?
11:52 p.m.: Where's Jack Nicholson's hair?
11:55 p.m.: Why does Helen Mirren keep calling her Oscar a "gold star?" It's a little man.
12:05 a.m.: Whoa there, Forrest. I know you just won Best Actor, but you seriously need to rein in that emotion. And what's with everyone thrusting the Oscar about this year? That poor little gold man.
12:10 a.m.: Scorsese finally won an Oscar! It took him six nominations, but he totally did it.
12:15 a.m.: Wait, "The Departed" won Best Picture? A movie I liked won Best Picture?
12:22 a.m.: 12:22 a.m?! I have to get up early tomorrow! Stupid Oscars!
