1. Road trip to Northern Virginia
When we're short on cash, we all get pretty desperate. So we start to think maybe there's a vacation destination mere steps from our backyard. After all, the Commonwealth of Virginia is the 12th most populous state in the union and calls the grand American Foxhound its official state dog. And after studying the Metro map, Crystal City starts to sound pretty rad. Beware, travelers: Not even awesome new condominium developments can make this jewel of the Old Dominion travel-worthy. Heck, even Pentagon City's just a giant mall -- albeit a giant mall with the largest Forever 21 we've ever gazed longingly upon. Maybe we'll just stop here for our new spring break bathing suits.
2. Getting tribal tattoos in Cancun
It's not our place to judge what you put on your body, but let's face it, the tribal tattoo ship has sailed. Furthermore, getting tattoos while on vacation (i.e. while drunk) is always a bad idea. When the dust of spring break madness has finally settled, the last thing you want to deal with is a permanent reminder of the time you lost all of your money doing God knows what in some dive bar. Opt instead for an ironic but embarrassing haircut that we can all laugh about the next morning.
3. Alt-Break Beverly Hills
Rich people started losing money to the stock market fast this past week, and now many have had to move their entire earthly possessions from their 15,000 square-foot mansions to much humbler 7,000 square-foot guest houses. And little Ethan and Madison don't have their own playrooms anymore! Won't someone please think of these poor children? It's the responsibility of AU's squad of social justice do-gooders to journey to the ravaged lands of Southern California to deal with some of the most God-forsaken beings ever: celebrities and their lawyers and personal trainers. Next time you think Alt-Break, remember that rich people need help, too -- because someone's got to continue to exploit the poor!
4. Racing around the globe in a hot-air balloon
Floating above all civilization, with nary a concern, in a whimsical, balloon-propelled basket ... on second thought, this is the pinnacle of Spring Break adventure. The only things we have to worry about are gravity and laundering our seersucker suits.
5. Visiting British Columbia's dazzling array of nudist colonies
Yeah, who knew? Apparently, the Sex Party of British Columbia wants you to come and enjoy a relaxing spring break at one of the Canadian province's vast offerings of "nudist resorts." The west coast of the country, often considered the bizarre fruits and nuts capital of Canada, is working hard to shed that reputation and convince you that no longer does one need to be a "clothist," and that showing the world your Godly image is the right thing to do. So take a break from the modesty of that dorm room or that shared apartment and get naked in B.C. At least packing will be light. Being freezing ass cold has never been so hot!
6. Touring in the Medieval Festival circuit
Well, spring has sprung, and that means countless outdoor opportunities for gallivanting and general revelry. And what says "festival" more than the times of the Crusades? Brush up on medieval history, don your best smock -- and we mean best; these people are serious -- and get ready for fun! Hey, remember when the Black Death tore through Western Europe, killing anywhere from one-third to one-half of the population? Spring break!
7. Spelunking in the Appalachian Mountains
Remember those days of yore, when the idea of crawling through dank caverns, climbing down into dark tunnels and fitting yourself into claustrophobic spaces waiting for the ceiling to collapse on your leg as faceless mutant people ate your flesh sounded like fun. Oh, wait, that's the wrong description. I believe that is the plot for movie "The Descent." Actual spelunking is nothing like that. In real life, the mutant people are replaced with an army of hungry rats. Enjoy!
8. Orlando Adventure
Come one, come all to a magical land of overpriced rides, debilitating heat and screaming children. After a few hours around these rugrats, you begin to understand the motivation behind Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Feast your eyes on the attraction behind door number one. The never-ending line! Yes folks, you keep traversing the track until you lose your will to walk or collapse of a heart arrhythmia. Behind door number two? The food selection! The airline chicken or fish dishes don't hold a candle to the theme park's deep-fried spaghetti on a stick. And don't look now, but it's door number three! The public restroom! Don't worry, the smell usually comes off your body after you take eight showers and burn your clothes. But just don't show the rash you acquired to the people at the Health Center. They might be asking about more than pregnancy. Like: Can we donate your left ass-cheek to science?
9. Get drunk, end up in Kansas
Wait, we're in Kansas. Why are we in Kansas? Dude. I know we shouldn't have funneled all that cognac and followed that yellow brick road. The acid probably didn't help, either. Oh wait, dude, here's the border to Nebraska. Dude, we're not in Kansas anymore. Dude, where's my car?
10. Write 'Da Vinci Code 2: How Catholics Got Their Groove Back'
The Catholics strike back in this thrilling sequel, the second book in the 'Da Vinci' trilogy. There's a new key maker in Rome, and he ain't takin' crap from no anthro-fools. And that includes an anthropomorphic bear named Sally. Langdon gets trapped in the past, and must partner with Sally to find his way back to the future. Can you say New York Times best seller? Yeah, we didn't like the first one, either.
-Compiled by the Scene staff
