Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Blokes, quit the Brit accent! You chaps need to realize that the ladies don't always admire a man who hangs the Union Jack on his dorm walls and chews his fish 'n' chips while bobbing his head to "London Calling." If you drop the act, and your pants, you'll learn to love your sincere American self, and show her the true cockney.
Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): You've already overstepped your boundaries! Why are you trying to hide it? Your ailing love affair will rip both of you apart. If you keep the act up, you'll be left sulking in a musky shower in Anderson - a place you're all too familiar with. Quit while you're ahead. You're better than that.
Libra (Sep. 24-Oct. 23): The doctor's news might have been positive this time. It might have been worth your $4.39 after all. Next time, heed the warning signs and you might not be where you are right now. It's time to grow up - especially since you're about to rear a child. But good fortune is on the horizon!
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Even though it might be the first time that you have had to share a room, there is no reason to steal your roommate's asthma inhalers. You think the mountains of dirty laundry smell bad? Try a rotting corpse. Indeed, though roommates might talk to their significant others until the wee hours of the morning, threatening their lives is the wrong way to go about instigating an intervention. After all, you're going to spend up to nine months with this person, so you might as well talk it out if you ever want sleep again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): You think that you're sly, don't you? Think you could have gotten away with it? Taking a crap in the shower has never been a good idea, and never will be. Now the Aramark workers have literally more shit to deal with. Take your business and your attitude to the toilet.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19): Straight up: you have a problem. Denying it at this point will only dwindle away whatever lingering decency you still have. Sleeping off a hangover Sunday afternoon is perfectly fine. Showing up to Intermediate Japanese wasted is a different story. If it's not the pungent scent of Wild Turkey on your breath that's giving it away, it's your performance in class. Did you really have to say "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto" after the professor handed your test back? It's high time to drain the booze from your life and fill it back up with self-respect.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 19): Books might be full of stuff, but you won't be until you set that Aristotle down. Philosophy can only fulfill some of your needs. Go after Priscilla - at least she won't leave you with those gaping paper cuts.
Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): The reason why your BFFs are keeping you around is not because of your winning disposition. It's your beach house. Friends use, abuse and only like it when you take them on the annual family cruise. At the end of the day, it is your family that will unconditionally love and forgive you for any of your wrongdoings. Instead of expressing your love for them with swipes of their American Express card, why not give them a call and remind them why they are taking out a second mortgage for your education.
Aries (March 21-April 20): Keeping that secret might be weighing heavily on your psyche. You must be just dying to tell someone about it. It must be eating away at you at this point, festering and burrowing itself deep into the deep, dark caves of your mind. Honestly, how have you still not told anyone? You know why you haven't told anyone, and your friend appreciates it. In the end, you'll be up to your neck in brownie points. And irregardless, the feds will find the body soon enough.
Taurus (April 21-May 21): Seriously. Stop sulking and listening to Guster. Sure, your ex might have been your dreamboat, but he or she has lifted the anchor, cast the sail and embarked out into the sea of singles, so why haven't you? Dwelling in the harbor of celibacy and self-pity will leave you drowning with no one to toss you a friendly life preserver and save you from yourself. Put on your floaties, walk the plank and you will be pleasantly surprised with what you find.
Gemini (May 22-June 22): Nobody said that pettiness was a virtue, so why you gotta be like that? If you keep bumming your friends for Metro fare, you'll end up begging outside with the other drum bangers. If you look deep within your heart, you might find some spare change, or at least reflections.
Cancer (June 23-July 23): Collecting unemployment this early in the game is nothing to be proud of. You owe yourself more than that, and cutting yourself this short this early is anything but commendable. Get off that La-Z-Boy, take off that tattered bathrobe, TiVo Maury, Jerry and all of your other daytime comrades, and check out a career fair. Hey, Applebee's is hiring.
