It's important to provide both 'his, her pleasure'

I'm a gay male and am thinking of going all the way with my boyfriend. I don't know what type of condom to use! CVS carries the "Her pleasure," the "Ribbed," the "It's barely there" and the "I can't feel a thing." But there are none that say "Use this for anal sex" (and I know enough not to use spermicide). What do you recommend?

A Nervous American Lover

ANAL: Congrats on deciding to go all the way! I'm glad you're hunting for condoms, and I'd be happy to help. As I am not a gay male, I thought I'd solicit some help on this one. I fired off an e-mail to Joanna Smith, former Women's Initiative director, who isn't a gay male either but generally knows her stuff. I also contacted a friend, who I'll call "S," a guy who engages in anal sex.

Basically, any normal condom will do. Start simple.

"Glow-in-the-dark and colored condoms can be distracting," S says. You're right in that the "For her pleasure" condoms and the ones with spermicide don't make any sense to get. A generally good tip for condoms is that unless you have a really large penis, magnum condoms won't fit correctly and won't work as well. At the same time, Smith warns against extra-thin condoms, considering that anal sex can get kind of rough.

We all think lube is just as important as condom choice - especially S. He warns against K-Y Jelly, which is all that is available at Tenleytown CVS. S recommends going to the Lambda Rising bookstore in Dupont Circle.

"But you have to be willing to ask the associate about the products, or ask them to hand them over, as they're kept behind the counter," S says. "For the more shy folks, try cheaplubes.com."

There are a lot of products to experiment with, but any lube or condom will do for getting started.

Smith offered some tips for your first time. "When there's pain, stop and wait a moment and breathe," she says. "This will allow the internal anal sphincter to relax. Once the discomfort stops, continue. If a finger with a clipped finger nail is comfortable, you can proceed with other sex toys or a penis."

Remember - go slowly. It might not be that romantic, but it's good to determine beforehand who will be top and who will be bottom. Make sure you talk about the bottom setting the speed.

I know this is a lot to think about, but you'll be fine. Be safe, go slowly and have fun.

Dear Pierce,

My guy is extremely shy when it comes to physical contact. Every time we get together, we only end up kissing because he's too shy to go for anything more. It's driving me insane! So far I've had to make all the moves in our relationship, and it's getting old. How can I make him feel comfortable and confident enough to go for more? Any tips that could help me make him want to go for it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Surviving Tough Relationship and Unsatisfied by Nominal Grinding

STRUNG: First, have you tried talking to him about it? Like I said from the beginning, I'm no relationship doctor, but communication does wonders. From what you're saying, I wonder if he's ready. If going slowly is what he needs, have some patience. But if you're going insane waiting, you might have to make it anyway.

You say you've had to make all the moves in your relationship, and that's probably true. I'm sure you had to ask him out, initiate the kissing, etc. Maybe you're also shy, but do you really want to keep the stalemate going? Your guy might be so shy that the only way he can get comfortable is for you to take the first step for him. Is that really so bad? You get to set the pace! As your relationship progresses and you become more intimate, you'll both be more willing to try more things and experiment. Show him you want him to go for it, and he will. I bet he's great, but he's not a mind reader.

Quick note: Today is the Wellness Fair out on the quad! Get free testing and a lot of information. If you have a sex question for me but are embarrassed to use your real e-mail, you can use a fake e-mail address. Just remember to check it or forward it to the e-mail you use because I might respond. For next week: In which public places at AU have you been naughty? Feel free to respond with a brief comment. As always, you can reach me at piercehardcastle@theeagleonline.com. or on Facebook.