What does BDSM mean to you? To people all over the world in positive, healthy, sexual relationships, it means Bondage/Discipline and Sadism/Masochism. Last night, the GLBTA Resource Center, Queers and Allies, AU Methodists and Women's Initiative held their annual "S&M 101: An Interactive Workshop" as part of National Coming Out Week.
Now, believe it or not, I read the Daily Jolt forum sometimes. Although it's usually just a place for students to be racist, sexist or homophobic anonymously, there is occasionally something interesting. Recently, some Jolters were discussing last night's event and were shocked the Methodists could support it. Others rushed to the defense of the hosts, but generally there was confusion about what BDSM actually is. Someone suggested I tackle it in my next column, so in lieu of having no questions to answer again, this week, I'm writing about the often maligned, but perhaps secretly fond, attitude toward BDSM.
Just like everyone is a little bit queer, everyone has a little bit of kink in them. Think I'm wrong? Imagine yourself masturbating or having sex. Do you ever want it a little bit harder, faster or sloppier? Not proof enough for you? Have you ever enjoyed watching someone being ejaculated on or peed on in porn? Those are similar to Wet and Messy fetishism, otherwise known as WAM.
Fetishes are generally the attribution of sexual qualities to things, such as feet. But there really are a number of outlandish fetishes that you would not easily believe, such as "sploshing," which can sometimes mean sitting on cakes. Another high-preparation WAM fetish involves having pie fights before sex.
The fact is that people need different things to get excited. Many straight guys like to slide their dicks back and forth between the breasts of a woman. It feels great, but think about how objectively weird that is. Now, is having sex after throwing pies at each other any weirder?
It's easy to regard these activities as freakish, but the truth is that most of the time, fetishes are just about desires that are totally safe and healthy. Sometimes you hear about things going wrong, like it did for Rev. Gary Aldridge in June. The dead Baptist minister was found hog-tied, wearing two wetsuits, a face mask, diving gloves, rubberized underwear and a rubber hood. Rest assured, accidents like this are anomalies.
BDSM and plain old S&M, as described in the workshop title, are along the same lines. Now don't get me wrong, there are different dynamics at work here, but there's nothing sinister about it. Legally, psychologically and even religiously, there's nothing bad about domination, in most cases. There's even christiansandbdsm.com, a Web site devoted to reconciling BDSM and Christ (check it out, Jolters).
So, here's a little introduction to the basics of domination and submission. Sure, there's pain, torture, servitude and the like, but it's all consensual and usually, for the benefit of both involved. How it usually works is one person acts dominant and the other acts submissive. The dominant has the control. This relationship is about the power dynamic and is more of a metaphorical distinction or role. Safe words, out-of-the-ordinary words to tell your partner "game's over," are real and important in these relationships, when screaming "no" and "stop" is part of the game.
A more practical or literal relationship is between the top and the bottom. This is the same as in anal sex, but since there are so many possibilities in BDSM, the definition is expanded to "the top applies sensation to the bottom." Basically, if there's whipping going on, it's the top doing the whipping and the bottom getting whipped.
Usually, the dominant partner is the top and the submissive one is the bottom, but not necessarily. There are different kinds of tops and bottoms. A top can be following explicit instructions from the bottom and is called "a service top." The main difference between a bottom and a submissive is that submissives don't give orders.
BDSM is complicated and interesting, but not inherently wrong or inappropriate in any way. Not everyone has to like it, but I think it is important to have a minimal level of understanding and tolerance so we don't associate people's sexual hobbies with deviance. Coming Out Week isn't really about telling people things; it's about feeling confident in your wants and needs and understanding and recognizing other people's needs as well.
