Hello Pierce, I thought I'd give you something to answer for your next column.
My boyfriend and I recently started having sex, both of us for the first time. But every time we try, it's really painful for me and as such, he doesn't enjoy it. It's physically and emotionally frustrating for both of us, and we seem to be at an impasse. Do you have any advice for what we can do to have a pleasurable time?
Outrageous Underwhelming Coitus Hurts
Dear OUCH,
First, I assume you are talking about vaginal intercourse. Having pain and discomfort during the first few times is not at all unusual, but obviously, you don't want to make a habit out of it. You didn't tell me how many times you have tried, in what positions or for how long. I can only assume that your boyfriend has entered you, that it hurt a lot and that you either stopped or kept going until he had an orgasm because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. That's assuming a lot, though.
My main piece of advice for you is to go slow, use water-based lube and communicate with your partner. These are all really important. I know what it feels like - this is supposed to be amazing, but all you can think about is whether it's going well and when everything's going to turn into a disaster.
You need to talk to your boyfriend and do this together. Start with foreplay for longer than you have ever considered before. Kiss all over each other and caress each other's skin with just a finger or two. It's hard to be aroused when you're worried, and that's part of the problem.
For vaginal intercourse, go slow and try some different positions, too. Most importantly, if it hurts, you've got to be in control of the pace. Guys will often slow down if you tell them to, but if you have to be on top to make sure it doesn't hurt, do it.
In terms of what's hurting, it could just be soreness from a vagina that's never had a penis in it or possibly your hymen. This membrane is often where blood comes from during "the first time," and from what I've heard (never had one myself), it can hurt a great deal when it tears. It's quite possible you could be experiencing pain from this even a few times. Not everyone is the same, and sometimes the hymen can be especially inelastic or thick and need to be removed by surgery, but I don't want to freak you out.
Nine times out of 10, as you get more comfortable with your partner and develop trust, intimacy and even love for each other, this problem will be history. However, if this goes on for a while and it keeps hurting, you need to see someone. Go to the Health or Wellness Center and get more information about your options. Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
That's all for this week. Keep the questions coming to piercehardcastle@theeagleonline.com. Are you an LGBTQ on campus? I'd love to hear from you.
