Dear AU Bike Thief,
Really? I mean ... seriously? Which one of you fuckers took my bike? I'm not made of money. I can't afford to go out and just buy another bike. No, I need to fuckin' work for it and then buy it. Oh yeah, and by the time that happens the SCHOOL YEAR WILL BE OVER!
You make me sick Bike Thief ... absolutely sick.
All I wanted to do was get the hell off this rat-infested hellhole for a few hours. A FEW HOURS. And then when I went to unlock my bike it was gone. Fuckin' gone. Fuck you Bike Thief.
I don't ask for much from this place. I just want to ride my bike. I just want to ride my bike. Bitch. It was locked. I locked my bike. I USED A $30 LOCK TO LOCK MY BIKE. My bike only cost $200. I bought it at Target. WHY DIDN'T YOU STEAL A MORE EXPENSIVE BIKE? You - you fuckin' Bike Thief - you are also an idiot. I hate you.
I hate you for being stupid. Stupid for taking my bike. STEAL A BETTER ONE NEXT TIME YOU IDIOT.
I bought my bike at Target for $200. Tons of bikes cost more than that. Tons of bikes right next to the bike YOU STOLE. Are you going to try and sell it? NO ONE WANTS A SHITTY BIKE FROM TARGET. If you're lucky you'll get $20. But you won't. Because that shit barely rolls. I'm surprised you even got it to move. It is probably rusty. YOU STOLE A RUSTY BIKE. YOU STOLE MY RUSTY BIKE.
You stole my rusty bike. It was mine.
There are very few things here that I enjoy here. Riding my bike was one of them. I enjoyed riding it. I enjoyed going to the monuments and looking at the beautiful cherry trees. I enjoyed riding along the Potomac River with other outdoors-y types.
You fucking suck. You suck.
Grow up Bike Thief. Grow the fuck up.
I hope I catch you riding my rusty bike past me one day. I won't even try to stop you. I will laugh at you. Laugh at you and your stupid rusty bike.
I didn't even WANT THAT FUCKIN' BIKE. I'm glad you took it, you stupid bike thief bitch.
You know what. April Fools' Day, you fuck. APRIL FOOLS. If I catch you on my bike I am going to fuckin' beat you to a pulp. You clown.
Sincerely, Me