WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week a new TDR chef made the grave error of mistaking the World War I weapon of choice for one of America’s favorite condiments.
She claims she was walking behind campus near the children’s playground when she found one of the deadly canisters lying in the ground.
“I looked closer and it had the word ‘Mustard’ printed on it. There was another word too, but I couldn’t make it out,” the chef said.
The other word was ‘Gas.’
“I was thinking, gee, why would anyone leave a perfectly good can of mustard lying in a child’s playground? I better bring it back to TDR for the kids.”
The chef then proceeded to add the poisonous chemicals to beef stockpiles in the TDR kitchen. She stated, “it did burn my skin a bit but I just said, hell, kids love it hot and spicy these days!”
When we asked a student, JP Rollands, how he felt about the deadly gas being put into select TDR foods he said, “Mustard Gas? Really? When?”
“I was just telling my friends how great the food was this week!” Rollands said. “That chef is either a genius or an idiot!”
The Army Corps of Engineers responsible for digging up the canisters buried on the campus after World War I declined to comment on the issue.
No students have been reportedly harmed from consuming the mustard gas but all have noted an increase in the food’s flavor and quality.
[UPDATE] – Due to such a positive response, TDR plans to add Anthrax as a new menu option in the upcoming Spring semester.
"Eagle Droppings" is American University's new satire publication. Want to write for it? american.eagledroppings@gmail.com
