OLYMPUS MONS, MARS — Martian leaders are outraged over the use of the term “universal” in the U.S. health care debate. The reason being, Martians are not covered under any of the proposed health care legislation.
“If we’re not going to be covered, it shouldn’t be called ‘universal’ health care,” said Uzxyz Nbnaknfp, leader of the Martian Policy Institute or MPI, a generic Martian think tank. “We’re lobbying hard to make health care truly universal. We are legal aliens, too and we deserve to be heard.”
One big hurdle to including Martians in the health care debate is the relative inexperience of American doctors with Martian anatomy.
“Every time we try to get a medical condition covered under the law, we’re always told it’s a ‘pre-existing’ condition,” Nbnaknfp said.
A spokesman for United Healthcare replied, “Many of the common Martian diseases are indeed pre-existing and shouldn’t be the financial responsibility of an insurance company.”
An outraged Nbnaknfp snapped, “Tell that to a Martian who’s been working in the flurgen mines for 30 years.”
To settle the debate, Eagle Droppings made an effort to reach California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been to Mars. Schwarzenegger had no comment but he did refer us to a strange character named “Kuato.”
In commenting on the health care debate, Mr. Kuato only replied, “Ssssssssssssssssstaaaaart the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaactooooooooor!”
— Eagle Droppings
"Eagle Droppings" is American University's new satire publication. Want to write for it? american.eagledroppings@gmail.com
