WASILLA, ALASKA — The mythical man of Christmas spirit and gifts will be making a special pit stop in Wasilla, Alaska this Christmas.
This is according to Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.
“Oh yeah! This Christmas is going to be something special don’tcha know? Mr. Kris Kringle told me himself that he looks forward to bringing the people of Alaska the best snow machines,” Palin said.
Mrs. Palin insists that Santa Claus is not mythical and that by believing in him she is not worshiping a false deity or believing in magic, which would be against her Christian beliefs.
“You see the secret is, Mr. Santa and God are one in the same. No one knows that but me and, because, you know, he whispered it in my ear one night.”
When asked to provide evidence that could in any way provide credibility to this statement Mrs. Palin stated, “Well, you know, when the Lord returns he will bring about the apocalypse and that is definitely happening right now in front of our eyes. Obama and the liberal media are evidence of that.”
Not getting very far in the conversation, we decided to stoop down to her level. We asked her how she felt global warming would affect Santa’s travels.
She responded, “Oh well, I don’t believe in global warming — it’s completely made up! But if I did I might worry that his reindeer may not be able to levitate normally!”
We told Mrs. Palin not to worry, because Tea Party candidate Chrstine O’Donnell would be able to make them levitate using her witchcraft.
Mrs. Palin breathed a sigh of relief but then quickly remembered she is against magic.
Sources say, after stopping in Wasilla, Santa plans to compete in the next season of Dancing with the Stars. But these sources are likely inaccurate. We know this because Mrs. Palin scribbled this on a napkin and handed it to us.
— Eagle Droppings
"Eagle Droppings" is American University's new satire publication. Want to write for it? american.eagledroppings@gmail.com
