In case you haven’t had Internet access or watched TV in the last year, the newest “Twilight” movie is out. “Breaking Dawn Part 1” is the latest installment of movie adaptations of this teen romance novel turned epic drama turned comedy.
In “Breaking Dawn Part 1,” the film starts on a happy note with Bella (Kristen Stewart, “The Runaways”) and Edward’s (Robert Pattinson, “Water for Elephants”) blissful marriage, but continues in a downward spiral of increasingly ludicrous and terrifying events. Suddenly, Jacob (Taylor Lautner, “Abducted”) appears as the voice of rationality as the series takes its most absurd plot turns yet.
Poor Lautner struggles to portray this part, since his best acting comes when he’s shirtless and his abs distract the audience from his flat delivery.
Edward’s only purpose in this movie seems to be to get Bella pregnant and to continue to look like he’s in pain.
First, audiences see their wedding. Everyone’s happy except Edward, who seems to be hating every minute.
Then they go on their honeymoon. Edward almost tells Bella that he didn’t like having sex with her, and then refuses to do it again as she is practically begging him to.
When he finds out Bella’s pregnant he is not thrilled, but rather Googles “immortality,” leading to a creepy montage of misshapen babies as he looks pained at the thought of having a child.
The movie continues, unsurprisingly, to try to convince the audience that Bella is just like them.
It’s because she’s clumsy; clearly illustrated by her inability to walk in high heels.
After Bella becomes pregnant, she looks so sickly and gaunt that it’s actually impossible to focus on anything she says. She makes Edward look downright tan in comparison.
Spoiler alert: Don’t read past this paragraph if you want the gory ending to be a surprise.
The movie climaxes in possibly the most disturbing, bloody birthing scene in movie history. Edward has blood covering him, but, somehow, Jacob has stayed completely clean. And then, when Bella is “dead,” Jacob imprints (a rare werewolf occurrence where they immediately fall in love with someone) on her child to save her from the werewolves.
While the movie itself is truly terrible, it’s exactly what was expected of this installment.
If any other famous series made movies like this, they would be trashed, but Twilight is OK because it’s a beautiful romance, right? Edward is the perfect man, or something.
To be honest, though, this movie should count in favor of Team Jacob.
