In an attempt to revisit the haunted house trope once again, Victor Salva’s “Dark House” does something revolutionary. It attempts to see how far it can get, as a film, with as little imagination employed as humanly possible, expressing not even a minutiae of ingenuity in any capacity.
Dark and brooding, “Dark House” opens as a troubled young man going by Nick Di Santo (Luke Kleintank, “Bones”) who discovers a deadly secret about a house his family apparently once owned while visiting his mother at a mental institution. Nick, newly fascinated by the allure of becoming a homeowner to a house that screams go away, ventures with a couple friends to find the dark home and claim it like amateur conquistadors.
Then nothing happens. Many central characters die, heads are cut in half, people are impaled, fetuses are pulled out of their nest by oil slick haired Metallica groupie rejects and that is the lions share of everything that happens in “Dark House.”
Tobin Bell (“Saw”) shows up long enough for viewers to openly inquire out loud if that is really Tobin Bell (it is). Bell has finally awoken from his vampiric slumber after all those years of not acting in any movies other than “Saw” films, needless to say this role won’t have the phone ringing off the hook either.
A paltry effort is made to assemble some logic into the film, namely some sort of point involving Nick’s father being a demon of immense power. However, none of this is on screen, save for a few splatters of blood indicating that some malevolent power is in the house.
Horror fans must be a dedicated bunch if this is what they must put up with on a regular basis. “Dark House” is a miserable enterprise, even for Salva whose credits include the generally competent “Jeepers Creepers” films.
All can rest a little easier knowing that “Dark House” isn’t that dark, it’s just boring. Salva only fills this home with cheap acting and even cheaper, as well as unintentionally humorous, thrills.
