DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire. All events, people and suggestions are intended to be humorous and ironic rather than truthful.
Like many students, I have experienced the ongoing tribulations of the Terrace Dining Room on a regular basis. It’s one thing to wait in a line. It’s a completely other bane when it is an unnecessary nightmare. I’ve been frustrated by people blocking high traffic areas, taking forever to get one food item, yelling at dining workers and hogging an entire tray of grilled cheese sandwiches, all whilst knowing that a long line of people have been patiently waiting behind them. I have seen it all.
It’s time for a bold solution. I’m tired of the run-of-the-mill excuses and insincere apologies. As students who pay an excessive amount for meal plans, we really need an idea that is going to shake things up a bit. We should be able to get our meals in an agreeable and timely manner. That’s why I’m calling for something new, something unapologetic, something effective – a no holds barred proposal. Ladies and gentlemen, we need a dining linebacker.
Yes, that’s right, AU’s very own dining hall linebacker: someone to valiantly enforce basic guidelines of eating in a communal dining establishment. What exactly would this linebacker do? Simple; tackle everyone and anyone that is not being respectful of others in TDR. Stealing all of the grilled chicken even though there is a long line for them – tackled! Talking with your friends in the main walkway where people are going in and out – tackled! But don’t worry. If you are generally courteous and aren’t breaking any rules, you will enjoy the sweet taste of an efficient and tackle-free day.
Despite its novelty, AU would not be the first to have such a hero. Some businesses have found remarkable success after hiring an office linebacker. Furthermore, having a linebacker would help us achieve the ever daunting feat of maximum efficiency, dramatically enhancing the TDR experience for everyone (well, almost everyone). Of course such a daring solution is bound to raise objections. Let me address them now:
First, keep in mind that in reality there would actually be very little tackling. A patron would have to definitively behave in a disruptive manner for the linebacker to engage. But rest assured, those rare commodities will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and the linebacker is the law. It’s 10 percent physical, 90 percent mental. Yes, at first people would have to be tackled to show that we take inefficient and disorderly conduct seriously. But after time, people will act appropriately just out of the fear of being tackled. If we want a lasting solution, we have to realize that it’s not just about physical pain, but also getting inside of people’s heads.
Some worry about the costs. In reality, hiring a linebacker would actually be a cost-effective measure. It would only be one linebacker, at least to start. And with a linebacker monitoring TDR for any bad behavior, it allows the managers to focus on more important tasks, like making sure that the food is stocked. And let’s not forget that such a move would contribute to lower unemployment. The overall efficiency increase would outweigh any additional incurred costs. Running the numbers, I found that the marginal product of labor would be greater than the linebacker’s wage.
Finally there are legal concerns. However, this just requires an easy fix. Simply add a clause to the housing and dining agreement for students permitting such enforcement. Maybe it can encourage those who would otherwise be rude to not apply or eat somewhere else. And of course, there would be no discrimination in terms of tackles. Our linebacker’s inflicted pain would know no race, gender or creed. The linebacker would be an equal opportunity hitting machine. Instead of the WONK campaign, we could show off this ingenuity to the world to bring AU in the spotlight and help our students. We would be the first university in the world to have the luxury of a dining linebacker and could tout our success to other colleges.
I look forward to the day when AU hires a dining linebacker. Efficiency would be off the charts and I could enjoy my TDR meals without having to worry about the able-bodied person in front of me taking five minutes to get a single food item. So it’s up to you AU – you can either try the convoluted, long-drawn-out route of just consciously asking people to try to be more courteous and respectful of others in the dining hall, or we can go with the sure-fired, flawless and irreproachable solution of hiring a dining linebacker.
Alex Patel is a junior in the School of Public Affairs
