“Boys will be boys.” The saying that I hate the most. What I hate more than this gender-constructing, biased, oversimplified statement, which allows those who say it to brush away aggressive behaviors, is the reminder that society apparently really does believe that boys will be boys, and that it’s just fine to live in a world so blind.
The quality of the food in the Terrace Dining Room tends to correlate with the quality of the weather. Knowing this, my roommate and I decided to go off campus for lunch on a dreary, icy Sunday. Where else would we go besides the Tenleytown Chipotle? After settling in with my bowl full of rice and love, someone grabbed me from behind. I turned around to see four boys at a booth, maybe 12-years-old, hunched over their burritos laughing hysterically. I turned back to my roommate who said, “I mean, you definitely don’t know them, right?”
Right. I didn’t know them. I turned and stared at them, hoping to cause some discomfort, when one of them asked me, “What?” I told him I was trying to figure out why I was just touched without permission, to which he replied, “That wasn’t us, why would we touch a random stranger?” More giggles. I asked them to stop and told myself not to be angry. They were young. They didn’t know any better. A few minutes later, they threw a wad of napkins at my roommate’s face, and that’s when I lost it.
Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal and environmental slights, snubs or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership. More colloquially, a microaggression is a sometimes-hard-to-pin-down, casual act of degradation toward a group. These aggressions can be racial, ethnic, sexual or gender-oriented. Being grabbed by a 12-year-old boy in a public restaurant and then having a ball of napkins hurled at your roommate’s face isn’t necessarily a “slight,” but it is more than just general rudeness; it is an insult that I 100 percent attribute to my sex.
When I got up and began explaining to the boys that what they were doing was not okay, they ignored me, continued laughing and eating their food. I told them that if they weren’t going to listen to me or apologize, I would get the manager. They denied doing anything and laughed some more. In minutes, basically every microaggressable theme within the gender and sexuality category was committed: being touched without permission, being degraded or condescended because of one’s sex, the denial of the reality of sexism and social invisibility. I replayed everything that had happened and came to the conclusion that if I were a man, this would not be happening to me. I got the manager.
The manager, a man, was extremely confused when I pointed to the table of kids who I claimed were harassing me. He came over and talked quietly to them for 10 seconds, then began to walk away. I stopped him and asked what was happening and he told me, “They won’t do it again.” I asked him if that kind of behavior was okay in his restaurant, to which he responded with anger. “Do you want me to call the police on them or something?” No, I wanted my discomfort and marginalization to be taken seriously, no matter what their age. I wanted him to use his position of power to help stop this cycle. But, boys will be boys, right?
If challenged by the minority person or an observer, perpetrators will often defend their microaggression as a misunderstanding, a joke, or something small that shouldn't be blown out of proportion. This is exactly what happened. Many researchers have argued that microaggressions are actually more damaging than blatant expressions of bigotry since they are small and therefore ignored or downplayed, leaving the victim feeling self-doubting rather than justifiably angry and isolated rather than supported. The manager’s response to my complaints didn’t shake my belief that what was happening was wrong, but it definitely solidified my understanding that I was not going to be supported in the situation. The manager himself committed microaggressions by his lack of response. Research has shown that when women experience microaggressions, they may become depressed, develop low self-esteem or experience sexual dysfunction. Some develop eating disorders and body image issues.
When an assertive female manager is labeled as a "bitch," while her male counterpart is described as "a forceful leader," when a female physician wearing a stethoscope is mistaken as a nurse, when whistles or catcalls are heard from men as a woman walks down the street or when a group of boys in Chipotle is excused for sexist microaggressions just because they are young, society is failing to be equal, safe and constructive.
Call people out who are committing microaggressions. You don’t have to be rude or cause a scene or even label yourself a “confrontational person” in order to let someone know that their behavior just isn’t okay. Sometimes the perpetrator isn’t aware that what they are doing is insulting or wrong and your explanation can be a learning moment (although that wasn’t the case in my experience today). If you are the aggressor, apologize. If it was a mistake, take note to learn for the future. Small moments build upon one another, block by block and create a tower of societal norms; let’s not allow sexism, chauvinism and misogyny to be the blocks at the base of our tower.
Emily Dalgo is a sophomore in the School of International Service.
