Correction appended.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University’s favorite resident, the Wonk Cat, has been officially guaranteed housing all four years outside the McKinley building. Wonk Cat is the first AU community member to receive this privilege.
Wonk Cat, named by her avid fans throughout campus, first appeared on campus early this school year. She has been a staple of AU life ever since. Worried about her living conditions, AU Housing and Residence Life (HRL) hurried to provide care and shelter for her. This decision precedes repeated identity-based housing requests for Black students and LGBTQIA students, who did not get the same considerations.
“Why does the cat get guaranteed housing before I do? I swear it gets treated better than me,” grumbled one student, who was later stoned in the quad by a group of Wonk Cat rights activists (a group that consists of most of AU’s student body).
As of now, only freshmen and sophomores are guaranteed on-campus housing, sometimes leaving juniors and seniors to fend for themselves Founder’s Day Ball-style when trying to find somewhere to live. Even though off-campus housing is often cheaper, the commute for classes can be difficult. This makes on-campus housing desirable, but sometimes unattainable. Wonk Cat, as an animal, deserves better treatment than this. She has been given her own housing outside the School of Communication (SOC), making it convenient for her to attend her morning SOC classes.
Wonk Cat has also been granted free on-campus dining from the students that overfeed her with Lucky Charms from Terrace Dining Room. Many students, despite unanimously agreeing that Lucky Charms are the only edible thing available in TDR, are happy that their tuition is paying for the cat’s food.
“I’m so glad that my tuition is going to a stray cat that once bit me,” another student said. “She really deserves it, and I can sleep better at night in my mouse-infested, moldy and ancient dorm room knowing that Wonk Cat has quality housing. Last week, the oven in our lounge kitchen nearly burned down the entire hall but I’m happy that the money is going to Wonk Cat instead.”
Despite not filling out her Fall 2018 housing application, Wonk Cat is expected to return next year. AU HRL officials are currently debating whether or not to construct a cat-sized apartment on East Campus.
Lauren Patetta is a freshman in the School of Communication. She is an outside contributor. The opinions expressed by the author are theirs alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Eagle and its staff.
Correction: The original version of this article stated that only freshmen are guaranteed on-campus housing. It has been changed to include both freshmen and sophomores.
