The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Freshman Sophia Mason, a resident of Anderson Hall, requested a roommate change after her own roommate confessed that she preferred Georgetown Cupcake to Baked and Wired.
No welcome week is complete without at least one trip to one of three cupcake shops: the infamous Baked and Wired, the elegant Georgetown Cupcake, or the largely ignored Sprinkles. Older students take it upon themselves to immerse freshmen in campus life by introducing them to AU’s great cupcake debate, which is why Mason’s Explore D.C. peer mentor took the group to Baked and Wired.
Almost immediately, Mason chose her side; she loved her cupcake from Baked and Wired. But when Mason arrived back at her room, she learned that her roommate, Maya Bauer, preferred Georgetown Cupcake. It was then that Mason knew she needed to file the transfer request.
“I love Maya, I do,” Mason said. “But I can’t live under these conditions.”
“I don’t blame Sophia for switching,” said the resident assistant on Mason’s floor. “This is the most pressing problem on campus. I mean, forget finding solutions to complex domestic and foreign issues, the real question is why there are people who still think Georgetown Cupcake is the best of the two — I mean three.”
Mason and Bauer first met on Facebook during the brutal quest to find a roommate before AU’s looming housing deadline.
Although AU encourages roommates to work through their issues together, Mason scheduled a meeting with Anderson Hall’s community director to discuss the transfer. Fortunately, the community director understood the problem instantly and approved the request.
“Anyone who thinks that Baked and Wired is better than Georgetown Cupcake is clearly a Russian spy,” one junior at AU said after hearing about the issue. “This is a huge issue on campus -- almost as big as Global Fresh threatening to get rid of lemongrass chicken, but not quite.”
Mason recently said she would write a letter to the University, asking them to include cupcake preferences on the roommate questionnaire to prevent further calamities like her own. When approached for comment, a university spokesperson scrambled to hide a receipt and cupcake wrapper from Georgetown Cupcake. They did not respond to questions about their dining habits.
Lauren Patetta is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
