The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
In our new series, “Who is AU?” The Seagle will profile a new student every two weeks, in an attempt to highlight the hopes, dreams and aspirations of our diverse student body that hails from all corners of the New York tri-state area. We want to know more about the real you, and the administration needs more propaganda to entice naive and innocent high school students.
The School of International Service recently announced its intention to confer upon Daniel Clifford, SIS sophomore, an honorary doctorate degree in International Relations. Clifford, who matriculated at AU less than two years ago, is “elated by such an opportunity.”
“While I am elated by such an opportunity, I am surprised that incessantly mentioning my family’s voluntourism trips around the world during course discussions warrants this honor,” Clifford said in an interview.
The Seagle sought out some of Clifford’s peers for their thoughts on the occasion. Brooklyn Williamson, a transfer student in SIS and childhood friend of Clifford, was somewhat shocked upon hearing the announcement.
“This is weird especially considering, at this university, everyone’s icebreaker fun fact about themselves is a humblebrag about their ability to travel the world,” Williamson said.
In their nomination, department chairs also marveled at Clifford’s ability to always have something to say or ask in class. In a strongly worded statement, they wrote “he sets an excellent example of what we expect from student participation.”
Not all students are as enthused. Students, under requested anonymity, complained that it often felt like courses were being co-opted and taught by Clifford. One student stated, “Why am I paying $60K to hear this sophomore’s views? Why does my professor always allow him to speak?”
The professor for the course could not be reached for comment outside of inconveniently scheduled office hours.
AU community members can expect an orchestrated social media campaign from university Twitter handles, praising Clifford through boilerplate statements. Clifford’s special ceremony will be held in the SIS Abramson Family Founders Room this Sunday at 5 p.m.
Nickolaus Mack is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and The Eagle’s managing editor for opinion.
