The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The date is Oct. 15, 2018. Here is the news.
Last week, the Office of Campus Life issued a statement today reminding students that underground transformers are explicitly forbidden. All transformers looking to operate on campus should seek official recognition through the American University Club Council. This statement comes after students were instructed to evacuate all main campus buildings due to an electrical fire started by an underground transformer in early October.
Earlier this month, American University announced the Sine Institute, a platform where the “brightest minds engage to promote common ground and bipartisan solutions”. For the inaugural event on Tuesday, the Sine Institute hosted Tennessee Sen. Corker, an outspoken advocate of the “sanctity of marriage” and anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. To an openly LGTBQ+ campus community, Sylvia Burwell noted that the Institute’s focus on policy will “catalyze conversations on the substance, as well as the politics.” The Seagle is still trying determine what exactly that means.
This semester, AU announced that fresh, locally-grown produce from the Airlie Center would be made available at the Terrace Dining Room, the main [read: only] dining hall on campus. The Airlie Center, “a spectacular property set on more 300 acres in Warrenton, VA, was gifted to AU by the Airlie Foundation in 2016. The exciting announcement has led many students to wonder what type of produce they’ve been eating all of this time. Additionally, rumors continue to abound that former University Presidents Benjamin Ladner and Richard Berendzen have set up vacation residences in two of the many guest rooms hosted on the property.
American University faced a subpoena from the legal team of Maria Butina, the accused Russian agent and recent AU
Nickolaus Mack is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and The Eagle’s managing editor for opinion.
