The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A shocking new revelation has taken the AU community by storm: global warming exists.
The new discovery was triggered by several news sources publishing the findings of a recent climate change study, stating that most of the world’s coral reefs will be gone by 2040. Several AU students jumped to post this on Facebook before throwing their entire lunch in the landfill bin.
“The last time I cared this much about pollution was two months ago when half of my Facebook friends posted some article about the earth warming up a few degrees or something,” said Gina Tien, a sophomore SIS major.
Matthew Nuttenbaum, a junior SPA major added on, saying, “If Leonardo DiCaprio cares about it, so do I.”
In fact, the amount of AU students who deeply care about the environment has only increased in recent years. In 2018, about 100 percent of students have been reported to quickly hide their power strips with never unplugged extension cords when resident assistant room checks occur. Local recycling plants have been especially thankful for the stunning amount of glass alcohol bottles AU students have contributed to recycling efforts.
AU’s commitment to sustainability doesn’t stop with us students. As we all know, AU prides itself on being an environmentally conscious and progressive campus. The University’s efforts to curtail the effects of pollution in the past year have made this especially evident.
The abundance of construction on campus is just one of many examples of these efforts. The finished work will provide new facilities for our total of five STEM majors, along with providing the quad with a fun obstacle course you can partake in between classes.
Each year our campus takes strides in becoming carbon neutral. Not only does AU hold millions of dollars in investments with fossil fuel corporations, we also possess the only Subway in the country to not give you a plastic bag with your meal.
AU has proven to be an incubator of inspired thought, a place where young people come to learn how to effect real change in the world. Recently, AU students are demonstrating this immensely, one earth-shattering Facebook share at a time. As the widely shared study states, the earth will be shattered, climate-wise. Despite this projection, the intense efforts made by AU students in regards to climate change will help us all move into a considerably brighter (and warmer) future.
Nicole Klokiw is a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
