The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
On Tuesday night, students at AU flocked to locations all over campus to watch the results of midterm elections, including the residence halls, SIS, and Kerwin Hall. They seemed to be everywhere, except for the quad, where there was a free full buffet that pretty much went completely unnoticed.
The University wanted to surprise students with this buffet as a celebration for all of their hard work participating in the past election cycle, but unfortunately not a single student showed up. According to a statement from the University, administrators believed the buffet would go over well with students.
“We recognized how involved AU students were this past election, and we know that there’s nothing that college students love more than free food,” said a spokesperson.“So we thought it would be the perfect gift to show our appreciation for the most politically active student body in America.”
An employee from Greg’s Catering said, “It was the weirdest thing. It felt like the campus was completely empty, but I could hear cheers from different buildings on campus. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Samara Meza, a freshman who was watching from her lounge in Letts Hall, was simply too locked into the CNN coverage.
“I had no idea we were provided free food on campus,” she said. “When Wolf gets going on that election map, we can’t take our eyes away.”
AU says that although they’re still committed to making sure their students have the best possible experience, they just now realize some things never come before politics.
Caeden Cloud is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
