The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Zach Langley is a sophomore who’s always had trouble getting into the Student Health Center (SHC), which is why he decided to make it his life goal to at least see what it looks like on the inside.
“Every time I go to the Health Center it’s closed, and every time I try to schedule an appointment it’s booked,” Langley said. “I’m starting to think this is all one big conspiracy, that they’re trying to keep us out. That’s why I’ve made it my number one goal in life to see what’s really going on in there.”
Upon entering Langley’s room in McDowell Hall, you’ll see a massive conspiracy web; it includes blurry polaroids of the Health Center, Sylvia Burwell, the Wonk Cat, Judge Judy and the generator outside Cassell Hall. When asked about the conspiracy web, Langley only said, “I swear I’m onto something here but I’m missing one last piece.”
We spoke to Langley’s roommate, who preferred to remain anonymous.
“I mean, I agree that it’s unnecessarily hard to get an appointment, but I don’t think any of this is merited,” Langley said. “I haven’t seen him even open a textbook since this whole thing started. I’ve started to get worried but every time I talk to him he accuses me of being in on his conspiracy.”
According to Langley, he’s taken some rather extreme measures to attempt to get into the Health Center. He tells The Seagle he’s tried everything from sneaking in behind people to faking injuries. He’s even created a GoFundMe page in an effort to gain more support.
Langley’s GoFundMe has raised three dollars towards its two million dollar goal. Students were more than reluctant to donate their EagleBucks, he said.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” says Langley. “Why would the Student Health Center at a well-subsidized University have such inconsistent hours and never be open during the weekends?”
While The Seagle cannot verify any of Langley’s claims of conspiracy, SHC’s hours do seem a bit inconsistent. On Monday and Thursday it’s open from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. On Tuesday and Friday it’s open from 8 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. On Wednesday, it opens at 8 a.m., closes at 9 a.m., reopens at 10 a.m., then closes again at 5:30 p.m.
Langley was quick to point out that many students would have the most time to visit SHC on the weekends. The lack of weekend hours makes Langley the most suspicious that SHC is trying to keep students out.
“What are they doing inside that facility on Saturday nights?” Langley said. “They don’t want us to know. That’s why I have to know, you know?”
Caeden Cloud is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
