The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
As the nation’s midterm elections came to a close last week, nearly 25 percent of AU students indicated voter oppression as a more worthwhile strategy than voter suppression, according to campus exit polls.
“Clearly, Republicans underestimated the raw number of voters,” said Amy Lymes, who commissioned AU’s exit polls. “I shouldn’t be surprised. They usually ignore half the population, anyway.”
According to Lymes, Republicans just couldn’t keep up with the voter turnout. Nearly 78 percent of AU’s eligible voters actually voted. She attributed much of the turnout to the promise of caffeine, JUUL e-cigarette pods and dank memes to every student who casted a ballot.
“Democrats know their audiences,” Lymes said. “Despite their best efforts, Republicans simply can’t compete with free stuff.”
But according to polling data, Republicans may be able to capitalize on a shift in strategy in the next election. AU students suggested they’d be far less likely to vote if Republicans simply banished them to parts unknown.
“It’s hard enough voting in Georgia,” said Kyle Bowler, a college Republican spokesperson from Atlanta. “Try mailing in a ballot from the remote island of Floreana.”
Chris Whitbeck is a senior in the School of Communication and The Eagle’s assistant editor of opinion.
