The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Amid concerns across campus that the administration has neglected students’ mental health, AU officials have announced a series of changes to their policy.
Karen Teague, a spokeswoman for President Sylvia Burwell’s office, is excited for the chance to patronize students in creative new ways. Her favorite, she said, will be a brand new currency on campus.
“We’re so proud to introduce Failbucks to our students,” Teague said. “Simply swipe your card anywhere on campus and it will be publicly and loudly rejected.”
Failbucks, she explained, will help students develop a healthy “appetite for risk and failure.” The administration is determined to prepare students for all their eventual shortcomings in life, both socially and financially. But students should expect plenty more new initiatives in the near future, according to Teague.
“It’ll take time to work out the details, but we’re excited to introduce a great resource to campus,” she said. “We’ve finally dedicated a single answering machine to housing all your questions and concerns.”
Students will soon be able to dial a dedicated number that will promptly ask them to leave a message after the beep. The machine, Teague said, will be buried on the quad where nobody will ever hear it ring.
“I can think of no better way to talk about my silly problems than to an automated voice-answering machine,” said sophomore Nellie James.
AU also announced plans to host a pop-up on the quad where students can write letters to their parents about things like the holidays, their classes or why they did such a poor job preparing them to be more resilient adults.
“Oh, great,” said senior Tyler Fogarty. “I’m graduating in May and only now do I know I’m not supposed to cry myself to sleep at night. Thanks, Mom.”
Chris Whitbeck is a senior in the School of Communication and The Eagle’s assistant editor of opinion.
