The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
In our new series, “Who is AU?” The Seagle will profile a new community member every two weeks, in an attempt to highlight the hopes, dreams and aspirations of our diverse community that hails from all corners of the New York tri-state area. We want to know more about the real you, and also the administration needs more propaganda to entice naive and innocent high school students.
Per a source inside the department, University Auxiliary Services, the apparent overseer of all things dining and retail on campus, has finally agreed upon a date by which they will open their department up to the public.
The anonymous source, referred to only as Remy, revealed to The Seagle that the department will finally be ready to step out of the shadows once the current freshman class has graduated.
“Hopefully, they’ll forget we even exist by then,” Remy said.
In full transparency, Seagle reporters were initially hesitant to trust a tip of anonymous origin. But when the source identified himself as a spokesperson inside AU’s department of Auxiliary Services, the team arranged a meeting. Remy agreed only to meet under the condition that it would be out of the public eye.
Seagle reporters sat down with Remy in the one place that privacy was guaranteed, with the exception of a few critters.
“This place would make a great POD, don’t you think?,” Remy said, canvassing the inside of MegaBytes cafe. “It’s a shame, about the rats.”
Tom Gera, owner of the cafe, temporarily shut down the business to allow Auxiliary Services to perform repairs that would prevent rats from entering the cafe. For Remy, this was the only safe space.
Most students know little to nothing about Auxiliary Services, he said. But for those eagle-eyed students with their ears to the ground? Well, actually, they don’t really know either. According to Remy, this is entirely by design.
“We pride ourselves on being the least identifiable department with the most broad-sounding name,” he said. “It’s fun from a power standpoint.”
He was surprised to learn that, in fact, Auxiliary Services can neither fire employees or ban them from campus.
“This is certainly awkward,” he said. “You don’t know how to unsend an email, do you?”
Chris Whitbeck is a senior in the School of Communication and The Eagle’s assistant editor of opinion.
