The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
As the week winds to a close, there is one thing every AU student looks forward to: the weekend. A time where the air buzzes with that mysterious electric excitement that Fridays bring. Pulsating with possibility, the burgeoning weekend offers adventure, freedom and the sting of downing copious amounts of vodka.
It’s a time for wonks to voluntarily venture into those sticky sweat caves, sometimes referred to as frat parties, or intoxicatedly stampede down the hallways of their residence hall to the delight of their RAs. When not even the wafting fumes emerging from Subway can dampen one’s mood.
After enduring five days of hard work, late night coffee acquisitions and listening to that one kid who responds to every comment in class with a five minute speech yet still manages to say absolutely nothing, it is time to go out.
Laughter carries into the air and happily lingers, shouts reverberating as people run to meet their friends, flocking by the hundreds to head to the latest popular hangout: TDR.
“Bro, the music there slaps harder than the music at any frat party I’ve ever been to,” said freshman SIS major Anna Washenko.
It has been reported that the amount of students that go to TDR to party on the weekend has skyrocketed in recent months. Packed in from the stir fry section to the salad bar, students are seemingly enthralled by the lively tunes that are constantly playing.
“When the beat drops in ‘Hands to Myself,’ as they play it for the fifth time in an hour, I know I made the right choice about where to spend my Friday night,” exclaimed junior SPA student Jason McKinley.
“I love that it’s exactly the kind of music a 13-year-old girl who has a YouTube channel for lifestyle vlogging would listen to!” added Ethan Labera.
This past Friday, the partying grew to such an intensity that AUPD was called. The situation was quickly handled, however, when the police officers decided to join in on the festivities.
“It was just irresistible— I mean, how could you not bop to legends like Shawn Mendes, Dua Lipa and Selena Gomez” said Nathan White, former AU police officer and current TDR music stan.
TDR’s DJ could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy making a playlist composed solely of “Moment Just Like This” by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay, amounting to nearly three hours of the pop classic.
Nicole Klokiw is a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
