The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
It’s official: American University and Aramark have broken up. After six long years with the food provider and an intense bidding process, the university signed a new contract with Chartwells. We here at the Seagle would like to take a look back at some of the most memorable moments during our time with Aramark. We asked some students to share their favorite experiences with the old vendor.
Senior Kogod student Joey Simmons’s fondest memory of Aramark was the worry-free zone in TDR. “I can’t eat gluten,” Simmons explained. “So I figured that the safest bet would be the worry-free zone. However, I’d always regret that decision about an hour later. It’s okay, though, because between TDR and multiple bouts of food poisoning, Aramark taught me not to trust anyone much better than Kogod ever could.”
Junior Kiera Stokes describes herself as an animal lover. “I loved how welcoming Aramark was to allow animals into our food spaces,” she said. “Whenever I would see a cute little mouse run across the Tavern, it would just always brighten my day.”
“Aramark helped me find my zen,” exclaimed sophomore Nate Erickson. “I spent so much time waiting at Elevation Burger and Einstein’s Bagels that I learned the true value of patience. Whenever I get stressed or overworked, I imagine I’m back in my happy place: crammed in front of a counter with 30 other students as food workers yell out numbers.”
“I really wish AU went through with their proposed meal plan increases,” said junior Hayley King, referring to when the University’s attempts to raise meal plan prices was shot down after an outcry from the student body. “My dad’s the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and my family has more money than we know what to do with. Why not throw some of it away towards a meal plan? AU and Aramark always seemed to favor their wealthier students, and I’m definitely going to miss exploiting that privilege.”
“Whenever I think of Aramark, I’ll think back to how they treated their workers,” said sophomore Georgia Booker. “I’m sure we all remember when that one worker was fired for having a few parking tickets. That incident sparked so many demonstrations in MGC, but if there’s one thing AU students love more than Barcode Tuesdays, it’s a good protest. I’d like to thank Aramark for bringing the campus community together so many times.”
So goodbye, Aramark, and thank you for all of your valuable lessons. You'll always be in our hearts, forever clogging our arteries.
Caeden Cloud is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and The Eagle’s assistant opinion editor.
