The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
On Saturday morning, through the rattling sounds of cicadas and campus machinery, a whiny chanting could be heard blocks from the historic war-torn trenches of the Eric Friedheim Quadrangle: “Climate change, suck our straws! Give us metal straw awareness laws!”
Metal straw protestors, made up of local AU students and alumni, began their incessant rampage to declare metal straws the world’s best way to fix climate change, economic recessions and existential crises for Global Metal Straw Awareness Week.
“It is the only way we can prevent climate change,” said Suzy Vanderbilt, AU freshman and undeclared “straw head.” “It’s also a coping mechanism. Every time I suck on one of these straws, I delay the inevitable thought of encroaching student loan debt and the hopeless future that awaits me.”
The Global Climate Strike Week kicked off to a roaring start on September 20. Thousands, if not millions, of students across the world made their voices heard, protesting the lack of action people have taken to prevent climate change. Meanwhile, AU students were protesting something that actually mattered: the right to sip on some shiny, fashionable and environmentally-friendly straws.
“We’re really fighting for something worthwhile,” said Starbucks enthusiast Rebecca White, slurping on an iced latte through a metal straw she had gotten just for the occasion. “I mean, you can see it with these people. Everyone here is genuinely passionate about making change.”
Some were overheard requesting sponsorships from absent and indifferent companies such as Simply Straws. For these students, any help was necessary in the fight for trendy climate change solutions.
“Please just give me a sponsorship,” begged Meg Gurley, a CLEG major in her junior year. “I need some sense of validation that my major can’t provide.”
In the campaign to fight for metal straw awareness, posters and social media posts were reported to have falsely stated that free metal straws were to be given out to all participating protestors. When protestors found out that this was as fabricated, campus was inflamed by both students’ outrage and the irregular weather patterns that were caused by disposable straws.
“What’s the point in fighting for climate change, let alone metal straw awareness, if you can’t get something free out of protesting for it?” said Ashley Knickerbocker, a senior with a major in business.
President Sylvia Burwell was even reported to have been seen on campus for the event. The sight was surprising to many; not for the celebrity presence of AU’s president, but rather the fact that she had nothing better to do on a Saturday morning than to support reusable sheaths of metal.
“She’s done it,” said Miranda Stone, a random passerby who noticed the event unfold. “She has become trendy.”
Trendsetters and local icons alike have now begun to say she has transcended all spheres of popular culture, going as far as to claim that she has achieved “trending enlightenment.”
Surely after this year’s Global Metal Straw Awareness Week, Burwell’s deification is the next step on the agenda for all AU metal straw enthusiasts.
Justin Poulin is a sophomore in the School of International Service and a Satire Columnist.
jpoulin@theeagleonline.com
