The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Pumpkin spice lattes are back in town, and so are your parents. You’ve done laundry for the first time in a month and sprayed two cans worth of Febreze into the fridge. Your parents are getting on the elevator when you realize there are Juul pods — everywhere. Here are a few easy places to hide them before the whole family gets off the elevator.
1. Inside an empty can of White Claw
You knew saving three cases worth of Black Cherry White Claw cans would pay off eventually. The second you get a text from your mom saying, “Getting on the elevator, honey! Can’t wait to see your room!” stuff those puppies into your collection of White Claw cans. Your parents still think White Claw is the same thing as San Pellegrino, so you’re good.
2. Under your Hilltern badge
Okay, so you’re in a bit of a time crunch now. Your dad is live-texting every time they hit another floor, so by a generous estimate you have 20 seconds before your little sister starts flirting with all the guys on your floor. Grab those Cool Mint pods and shove them under your Hilltern badge. Your parents will be so dazzled by all your accomplishments they won’t notice the hacking cough you’ve developed.
3. Inside the Wonk Cat’s house
It’s not the most ethical thing to do, but the Wonk Cat’s parents won’t put a freeze on paying her tuition if they find out she’s been Juuling during World Politics. Casually toss a handful of pods through that tiny doorway on your way to Starbucks, and you’re good to go. Just be sure to pick them up after the weekend is over. Rumor has it, the Wonk Cat hits the Juul a little too hard on weekends.
4. On your roommate’s desk
If you get a text from your grandma that says, “Open the door! This pie I baked for you isn’t going to eat itself!” just toss the pods onto your roommate’s desk. Ever heard the phrase “hiding in plain sight?” As Newton’s third law states, if your Juul pods aren’t on your side of the room, they aren’t yours. Plus, your parents already know all about your roommate’s questionable life choices.
5. Inside an empty bottle of Absolut you filled with decorative pebbles
Sure, your dad might be a little alarmed to see a giant empty handle of Absolut resting on your window sill, but he’ll quickly be distracted when you ask him to hook up your printer. Your mom will be too impressed by your artfully hung Christmas lights and mandala tapestry to notice the Juul pods stuffed in between those pebbles. You’re gonna need those things once this weekend is over.
Bobbie Armstrong is a junior in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
