The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
It’s the spookiest time of the year again. Have you been invited to a Halloween party but can’t figure out what to wear? Or perhaps you need something good to show off when walking down Embassy Row? Don’t fret, The Seagle’s got all of your Halloween needs covered. Here’s our list of 10 simple, low-budget AU themed Halloween costumes:
1. Hilltern
They are everyone’s favorite SPA classmate. All you’ll need is a suit, tie and the willingness to brag about having a job that your dad probably pulled strings to get. Come with an ID card from Congress, and never stop talking about the really important work you’ve been doing or how much you love your state representative.
2. Chad from Kogod
You’re that kid in class who’s not afraid to speak your mind, but when you do, it’ll always come across as vaguely sexist. All you need are some khakis, a button down shirt and some sort of beach hat or sunglasses. You could also include a name tag with “Chad” proudly written. Be sure to ask to show people your Kogod handshake every chance you get.
3. A Russian spy
An AU Wonk is in the news every 20 minutes, and you can be too: follow in the footsteps of your favorite AU alum, Maria Butina! All you need is a red hair wig, a black pant suit and a toy pistol to show your love for the NRA. Also, make sure that the more you drink, the more you tell people about your ties with Putin.
4. A Georgetown reject
Chances are you cross paths with tons of Georgetown rejects every day. In fact, you might even be one yourself! All you need to complete this look is your favorite outfit from Vineyard Vines and to carry around your Georgetown rejection letter. You can even go the extra mile by telling everyone that you’re thinking of transferring.
5. A heterosexual frat bro
To pull off this costume, all you have to do is make sure you wear clashing colors and try to prove your masculinity at every opportunity. It will also help to sprinkle in phrases like these into your conversations every few minutes: “No homo,” “She’s a solid 8” or “Did you catch the game last night?”
6. Wonk Cat
She’s Washington’s cutest cat, and she makes for a great costume! Your generic adult-sized black cat costume will do, but include some hints of white. However, to pull of the signature Wonk Cat look, you’re gonna want to mess up your hair and roll around in the dirt for a bit. It doesn’t matter that you’re gross and dirty, all the freshmen will be obsessed.
7. Wonk Rat
They’ll all scream when you walk into the party. Similarly to Wonk Cat, you just need an adult mouse costume with some slight variations. Dig through the trash a little and maybe even camp out by TDR to really get into character. Everyone will be talking about you, and you’ll basically shut down the party when you make your surprise appearance. Speaking of which, pair Wonk Rat with the next one on our list for a great couple’s costume:
8. The ghost of Megabytes
This is the spirit of a simpler time at AU. Wrap yourself in brown kraft paper, stand in the corner of a room and do absolutely nothing. Whenever someone asks what you’re up to, give a noncommittal answer. Remind people about how you used to have pretty good bagels and sandwiches. Honestly, though, you’ll probably just bum everyone out.
9. 2Fix
In terms of costume, all you need are some work clothes. However, to truly pull off this look, you need to show up to your party at least two weeks late. It’s always best to show up fashionably late, and in 2Fix’s case, the later the better. I shouldn’t hear about anyone going as 2Fix showing up to their party before November 14th.
10. A student who just ate AU Dining
The best way to pull off the “I just spent two hours on the toilet with severe food poisoning” look. You just need a white t-shirt with some brownish stains on it. Also, do your makeup to make you look pale and sickly. When people ask if you’re feeling ok, just tell them you’re not sure if it was Absurd Bird or the hot dog you had from TDR.
There you have it, AU’s hottest costumes of 2019. If you want to be the talk of the party this Halloween season, try out one of these cheap and easy costumes.
Caeden Cloud is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and The Eagle’s assistant opinion editor.
