The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The University recently received a $3 million dollar donation to build a new, state-of-the-art athletic facility that most students will spend four years totally avoiding.
“I’m really excited for there to be another giant hunk of brick and concrete and whatever else people use to build buildings that I’ll eventually request a permanent restraining order against,” freshman Jenna Brown said.
The administration says that they hope the new addition to campus will help fill in the gaps where the University is lacking in regards to athletic facilities students will never set foot in.
“If you look at other institutions within the Patriot League, their athletic programs are more successful because they have so many more buildings students can walk past and wonder ‘Hey, I don’t remember seeing that last week,” said Athletics and Recreation Department spokesperson Cathy Smith.
“It’s all about filling in the gaps,” she said, “Adding another building where hungover freshman can throw up in, without worrying about seeing their film studies professor because they still haven’t turned in the paper that was due six and a half days ago, is crucial to filling in those gaps.”
A press release sent out following the donation assured the University will be taking numerous precautions to notify students exactly where the building is. This way they won’t wander into it thinking it’s a Chipotle, Cava, or even a Dunkin’ Donuts.
“We want to make sure students know exactly where this monstrosity is so they can plan their day around making sure they don’t randomly wander in and get run over by a Zumba class,” Smith said.
Students have voiced concern that the new facility might conflict with their strict adherence to avoiding sports at all costs.
“Does this mean I have to learn the difference between a baseball and a football now?” said junior Tim Peters. “They can’t make me touch a football if I’m vegan, right? Isn’t that against the law or something?”
“I get enough exercise going up and down the stairs during fire drills,” Brown said. “I didn’t even know this school had sports teams.”
Bobbie Armstrong is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
