The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
For the first time, junior Blair Porter was put in charge of making the turkey for her family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Witnesses say they were shocked to discover that instead of a traditional stuffing, Porter stuffed the 15-pound turkey with dozens of voter registration forms.
“I was shocked and appalled, and it really did not taste good,” said Jennifer Porter, the political science major’s mother.
Porter defended herself, saying that she was only trying to do what’s best for the country.
“Voter turnout is at an all-time low,” Porter said. “As a student of political science and as an activist, I felt that it was my duty to stuff the turkey with voter registration forms.”
Others say they weren’t surprised at the stunt, considering that last year, when Porter was put in charge of making a pie, her family found themselves gnawing on Change.org petitions supporting a wide variety of causes.
“Yeah, I wasn’t surprised at all,” said Porter’s 13-year-old cousin, Jimmy Hagens. “I was so hungry I didn’t even realize there were no apples in the pie until I got an email thanking me for doing my part in preventing the defunding of Planned Parenthood.”
While some relatives say they’ve come to accept and even enjoy Porter’s Thanksgiving recipes, others wish she would take a more traditional approach to the holiday.
“Why couldn’t she have just stuffed the turkey with some chunks of bread, celery and herbs?” Porter’s grandmother, Ruth Grunson, said. “My stomach isn’t as strong as it used to be, and those voter registration forms are much thicker than you’d think.The turkey almost sent me to the ER.”
Porter says she has no plans to give up incorporating activism into her holiday meals anytime soon.
“How many mail-in ballots do you think I can fit in a ham?” she said.
Bobbie Armstrong is a junior in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
barmstrong@theeagleonline.com
