The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
AU students are captivated by a current sophomore Alfred Boris, better known as the “Georgetown reject,” who is once again tackling the transfer process to the prestigious school.
“Georgetown was always my dream school,” he said in an interview with The Seagle. “When I didn’t get in my freshman year, I applied for a second semester transfer. I didn’t get in again, so I just keep applying.”
“I mean, he’s always in the library,” said library employee Chloe Heming. “I’m scared to even be in the same room with him. Sometimes he just sits there, looks at his applications on his computer and counts his extracurriculars. Then he usually cries.”
AU sophomore Raymond Alberts, who roomed with Boris freshman year, claims that he knew Boris better than most.
“He had a drawer full of brochures for Georgetown and he would put them up on the ceiling so that he would ‘go to bed and wake up looking at his dream,’” he said. “It was extra awkward when he started putting them up in the guys’ bathroom. I requested a room change for the second semester.”
When asked how often he has reapplied, he simply said “Next question.”
Boris’s previous applications give a better idea of his past attempts to get into Georgetown. When asked about his more peculiar extracurricular interests, such as “playing the saxophone with my toes,” Boris said he had taken up as many instruments as possible in order to be more qualified and well-rounded. According to his applications, his other special skills include successfully rapping all of Eminem’s “Rap God” on command, bending his thumb all the way back to his wrist and his extensive knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system.
According to Boris, he has taken the SAT and ACT a cumulative of 25 times, as recently as last semester. When asked about how taking a test in a room full of kids who were significantly younger than him, he said “It was nice to finally feel like I was the best one in the room.”
“I’m a sophomore now, so this is my last chance,” said Boris.“I just can’t look at Wonk Cat for one more year. I can’t.”
Grace Barry is a freshman in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
