The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Since AU recently announced a 10 percent reduction in tuition for the fall semester, you might be wondering about the ways you can wisely spend the money you’re saving. In that case, you’ve come to the wrong place. But we can give you a few ideas on how to spend that money. The jury’s still out on whether they’re wise or not.
1. A coffee machine
The $5 you used to spend at Starbucks every day has probably doubled after realizing it’s literally impossible to stay awake for an entire Zoom class without a gallon of caffeine. Invest in a nice coffee machine, get some of your favorite coffee, coffee filters, milk, creamer and sugar…
Okay, this is way more complicated than it should be. You have to add water to the machine before it will make the coffee? The audacity.
Just take the money you’re saving and become a regular at your local Dunkin’ drive-thru. Seriously though, why is almond milk so expensive?
2. A good face mask
Unless you can afford Mayor Bowser’s $1,000 fine and being publicly shamed on TikTok, it’s probably a good idea to invest in a high-quality mask. But, don’t forget to buy a face shield, surgical gloves, six gallons of Purell, Clorox wipes, Lysol, a plexi-glass divider and one of those inflatable things they use in bubble soccer to maintain distance between you and your roommates.
3. Quibi
We haven’t heard good things, but we also haven’t heard terrible things. It might be fun if you want to spend the 15 minutes between Zoom classes watching Chrissy Teigen pretend to be Judge Judy.
Either that, or just stop stealing your ex’s Netflix and get your own. You can afford to spend recklessly now.
4. Invest it
We barely know what a stock is. If that’s what you want to do with your money, you’ve come to the wrong place. Maybe try asking that Kogod major you hooked up with who wears dress shoes with no socks. You know, back before hooking up was illegal.
5. Spend it on tuition
Yes, we realize the money is coming from a tuition discount, but we all know that the money is going to end up in AU’s hands one way or another. Let’s stop pretending we can start saving for the future now and just throw it back at the people we know are going to end up taking it.
There you have it! The definitive guide on how to spend the 10 percent you’re saving on tuition. We hope this helps you make some sound financial decisions. Whatever you do with your money, don’t buy Bitcoin. Or do buy Bitcoin? We’re honestly not sure. Better check with that same Kogod major/friend with benefits on that one.
Bobbie Armstrong is a senior in the School of Communication and the satire editor at The Eagle.
