The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Researchers at American University have concluded that the fly who gained notoriety during Wednesday night’s vice presidential debate is probably dead by now.
“Yeah, there’s basically no way that sucker is still alive,” said Professor Katzberg, a leading authority in the field of arthropod groups, such as arachnids, myriapods and flies who land on the sweaty forehands of screaming politicians during televised debates.
Katzberg noted that the short lifespan of the average fly, coupled with the fact that the poor slob was probably swatted to death by a Fox News intern pretty much seals the deal that the fly didn’t even survive long enough to witness itself going viral on Twitter.
“It’s a real shame,” Katzberg continued. “This fly gained far more attention and fame than any of the other trillions of flies on Earth, and it wasn’t alive long enough to get a brand deal with Blue Apron.”
Online, the fly was hailed as the hero of an otherwise frustrating debate. However, even experts outside the world of Washington’s political fly elite acknowledge that there are a million ways the fly could have died.
“It could have been squashed on the windshield of a Secret Service SUV, squished under the heel of Rachel Maddow’s Skechers, accidentally vacuumed down by an oxygen-deprived Mike Pence, inhaled by a ‘fracking is totally fine’ Kamala Harris,” said Jeff Spencer, an environmental science professor and researcher at New York University.
“This fly was doomed from the get-go, no matter how many people it helped register to vote,” Spencer added.
At press time, an additional 150,000 flies had been killed by $10 fly swatters being sold on Joe Biden’s website.
Bobbie Armstrong is a senior in the School of Communication and the satire editor at The Eagle.
