The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University junior Jesse Lane, who was revealed to be at the center of a recent cluster of coronavirus cases on campus last month, has assured the administration that she is not the problem.
“I am probably one of the safest people I know,” said Lane, while surrounded by a group of unmasked acquaintances who had attended a party the night before. “I literally don’t go anywhere.”
But an investigation later revealed that Lane makes daily trips to Target, Whole Foods and random packed dive bars.
“Okay, so I guess I did go to Target that one time,” Lane admitted.
Sources revealed that she had just come from Target and was on her way back because she forgot to buy almond milk.
“She has almond milk at her apartment, I saw it on FaceTime last night,” said Lane’s friend Alexandra Stillman.
Stillman said she hasn’t hung out with Lane over the last few months for this exact reason.
“She told me she had stayed in all weekend, and then I saw that she posted the selfies she took with Tiffany Trump at some cocktail party,” Stillman said. “Literally, what in the world?”
Lane maintains that she is being extremely safe, though has since retracted her previous statement that she is the safest person she knows.
“I guess my 85-year-old grandmother is safer, but to be fair she can’t walk,” Lane said, while texting a guy named Matt on Tinder. The two made plans to meet up later that night and walk down crowded streets without masks, intermittently sneezing.
She is not the only student who only wears a mask when someone is looking. Other students have privately expressed sentiments that “the pandemic is basically over” and “making out with strangers isn’t even that dangerous, it’s not like we know each other.”
After facing possible disciplinary action by the administration for violating safety protocols, Lane promised to change her ways.
“We’re going to a dive bar that has a little thing of hand sanitizer by the door next time,” she said.
Bobbie Armstrong is a senior in the School of Communication and the satire editor at The Eagle.
