The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
University administrators announced Tuesday their plan to hand out leftover sandwich fixings to adjunct faculty, advisors and graduate student employees in lieu of a living wage and decent benefits.
This proposal comes after months of organizing by AU staff for the University to recognize their union, raise wages above the inflation rate and ensure fair work leave.
“We know these have been hard times,” AU spokesperson Cecelia Wheeler said. “That’s why the president’s cabinet has decided to visit campus dining locations each day and personally pick up breadcrumbs to give to staff as a token of our appreciation.”
When asked if compensation in crumbs was commensurate with employees’ experience, Wheeler declined to comment.
Most staff did not approve of the crumbs proposal.
“I knew AU was going to try and co-opt our demands,” said Belinda Waters, an adjunct public policy professor. “I just didn’t expect them to offer literal breadcrumbs when we’re asking to be treated professionally.”
As more staff heard about the University’s crumbs proposal, some speculated that University administrators are not particularly committed to AU’s new brand, “Change Can’t Wait.”
“I don’t know about you, but telling us to make do with leftover sandwich materials sounds a heck of a lot like telling us to wait on decent wages,” academic advisor Keith Connors said.
According to Senior Marketing Director Simon Buchanan, the University did not expect anyone to take seriously the slogan that was plastered on countless indoor and outdoor surfaces before the start of the semester.
“When we whipped up that ‘Change Can’t Wait’ line over the summer, we never thought anyone would hold us to it,” said Buchanan. “You do realize that was just a way to get undergrads in the door, right?”
In a last ditch effort to renew credibility with staff and students, the University announced it would revise the slogan to “Change Can’t Wait (some restrictions may apply).”
In a press release, AU also committed to spending $15 million to update campus banners, the shuttle bus and bookstore merchandise with the new version of the slogan.
Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.
