The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University officials have decided to bravely fight for the full price of meal plans, announcing in a campus-wide email, “Let them eat!…I guess.”
“I, personally, was relieved,” said junior Isa Biggskam from her home in Warwick, Rhode Island. “It brings me a sense of calm knowing that I can still order a meal swipe Footlong 400 miles away.”
After campus officials deliberated for a strenuous 30 seconds at a private dinner event, the decision was made. This was a new record, according to people familiar with the events.
When asked for an interview regarding how the decision was met, a representative from the Office of Sustainability declined and demolished an entire margherita pizza in one bite. Patrons in the restaurant reported it was horrifying to watch.
“It was the right move,” sophomore Noa Diaz said. “I love going to TDR and Build in a limited capacity. It gives me Minimester nostalgia.” Diaz proceeded to wail inconsolably for almost 20 minutes.
The University has pushed for more options to become available to students, however, putting Eagle’s Nest, Subway and other on-campus food sources onto the Grubhub app.
“We care about getting pai— the students, we swear,” said Hugo Furst, an employee at the One Card Office, while shaking his head side-to-side. “Putting these options online will make everyone feel more guilty about spending their EagleBucks on food elsewhere that won’t expire in the next three days.”
“I’m excited for the remainder of January, honestly,” said freshman Brock Ollie. “I’m looking forward to the mixed rice and pasta meals for the next few weeks. I’m a pescatarian, so I usually get poke or something, but I guess this will suffice.”
An AU spokesperson declined to further comment on the logistics behind the decision before a stack of $100 bills fell out of their coat pocket and they sprinted away.
Ian Thornbrugh is a sophomore in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
