The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
An American University U-Pass was in the middle of an existential crisis Friday when it failed to swipe its student into the Tenleytown Metro station.
The U-Pass, which belongs to sophomore Bethany Childs, reported a drop in self-esteem and feelings of shame after it malfunctioned when Childs tapped it on the scanner.
“What’s my purpose in life if I can’t get Bethany from Tenleytown to Judiciary Square?” the U-Pass said. “This is like the only reason I exist and now I can’t even do that.”
Childs described the malfunctioning U-Pass as inconvenient, but not a big deal.
“I was going to walk by the Supreme Court building and see it lit up at night,” Childs said. “But an error message came up when I tapped my U-Pass on the scanner. Ultimately, the station manager let me through.”
After returning to campus, the U-Pass reported functioning U-Passes began to tease it for not being able to fulfill its solitary purpose in life.
“Those other U-Passes started calling me the worst stuff you can think of,” the U-Pass said. “They asked if I was even worth the plastic I was printed on and insinuated I couldn’t even conduct a current.”
The U-Pass explained it was difficult to lean on its normal support system since so many U-Passes are working fine.
“I keep having this nightmare where all the other U-Passes get fixed but not me,” it said. “And then an AU staff member just hides me in the basement of the East Quad Building, never to be heard from again.”
Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.
