From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's April 2023 print edition. You can find the digital version here.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
As wonks across American University’s campus are suffering from stress ulcers in the wake of finals, many look to the greener pastures of summer break for a glimmer of hope. The Office of Campus Engagement recently conducted a survey in an attempt to gauge which factors excite AU students the most about the upcoming break and remind us all of the light at the end of the tunnel. Here are the top seven activities AU students are most excited to do come May 10, most of which were a surprise to precisely no one:
1. Referring to D.C. as “the city” in their hick hometown. This answer was reported by 28 percent of students.
My brother in Christ, let's stop pretending Joe Biden is your neighbor; you live in Tenleytown. You are closer to Wegmans than the red line.
2. Paying under $15 for a shot. This answer was reported by 22 percent of seniors.
Sure, the bar will have an autographed picture of Rudy Giuliani and only play country/pop sung by neck-bearded tenors, but nothing tastes better than cheap feels! Fair warning, though, some bars will not allow every wandering, babyfaced 19-year-old to slip through the doors, so use that awful fake sparingly. Not every bar values your dollar over their liquor license.
3. Name-dropping Congress members they briefly interacted with during their Hillternship. This answer was reported by 17 percent of students.
Cory Booker made eye contact with you at Union Station because you had mustard on your chin, not because you’re the next AOC. Also, the most you’ve ever done to advance your pro-worker agenda was mute the constituent ten minutes into his thirty minute rant about how your moderate democratic state representative is a pawn for ANTIFA.
4. Cheating on their Georgetown situationship with their hometown situationship. This was reported by 12 percent of students.
A real Edward versus Jacob moment.
5. Complaining about their internship. This answer was reported by 9 percent of students.
What’s more fun than complaining about the classes you’re voluntarily paying a small fortune to take? Complaining about the internship acceptance you literally prayed for! After a grueling nine months of complaining about classes, complaining about an internship will be a breath of fresh air.
6. Eating a “real” bagel. This answer was reported by 8 percent of students.
As much as it pains the Seagle to acknowledge the so-called “state” of New Jersey, the people have spoken: there is nothing more important to them than the gluten product they have chosen to define them as a people. This answer wasn’t even a survey option, either. Those watered-down “Italians” abused our “other” section like their terrible fake tans abuse our eyes.
7. Mansplaining the election for Speaker of the House. This answer was reported by 4 percent of students.
Our SPA-iest of Eagles are salivating at the mouth to explain to every innocent home friend or unsuspecting younger sibling the historical significance of Kevin McCarthy’s humiliating speaker election. While this event will be months old by the time summer comes around, everyone knows explaining political events aren’t about educating anyone: it’s about that sublime feeling of superiority. And the best part? You don’t even have to be a man to engage in mansplaining. As long as your attitude is pretentious enough, you’re golden.
Whether your parents are paying for your overpriced apartment in the city or you’re loitering around suburban America and working your part-time high school job: best of luck on your finals and, of course, HAGS.
India Siecke is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
