The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Scores of American University students are reporting tepid relief after not witnessing the ethically bad, not awesome 300-person fight between Tenleytown highschoolers.
“Of course I wouldn’t want to see children fight,” said education major Shayna Ogeltree. “But if the children had to fight, I would rather be there.”
Ian Dowell, a School of International Service student specializing in peacebuilding and global security, expressed dismay that they were not there to “promote peace” and, if things had truly been beyond repair, “maybe get in there and have a little fun.”
Beyond AU, local officials were appalled that this could happen in our very own Tenleytown, often called the Paris of Washington D.C. due to its high class and cultural significance. Police lamented the lack of footage for them to judge where they could have contributed unnecessary brutality. Most filmed accounts were on teenagers’ private stories that tragically expired before the general population could delve into the harrowing fight, perhaps over some merlot or even a Wawa hoagie.
The only piece of clear, unharmed footage left is unfortunately stored in the heart-shaped locket of a high school sophomore, who responded to all requests by The Seagle with “make peace, not war.” When asked to elaborate, she said, “there are good people on both sides.” At the time of publishing, we are unsure that she understood we were talking about the local fight and not the Israel-Hamas war.
In a feat of extraordinary activism, many AU students have started sharing infographics on Instagram denouncing the violence and calling for the abolition of high schools everywhere, so no student will ever have to brawl outside a Wawa after a very tight 60-0 football game.
We encourage all readers of The Seagle to stay informed through Instagram stories and, most importantly, let us know if you ever get that footage. Remember Eagles, question everything you hear, trust nothing. The first casualty of war is truth. The second is Wawa.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.
