The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Emotions ran high as four campus police officers were spotted pounding their fists to the floor of the Mary Graydon Center, emitting a high-frequency pitch that bystanders mistook as a “stupid cat that fell in a puddle.”
The officers cited recent backlash to American University’s recent email as the reason for their silly tantrum. The email announced the possibility of arming campus police. “Our less-than-lethal chemical weapons like our Little Tykes Pocket Uranium Bombs™ just aren’t cutting it,” said Police Baby Man #1. “We’re big boys now. We can handle the real deal.”
Police Baby Man #2, still rolling on the floor, chimed in, “We’ve been so bored just waiting around for the next C-list rapper to come to our school. We want in on the real action. And with danger on our front door, we pinky-promise that we can protect our school,” he said. “Do we sometimes mistake little cans of soup and tuna for weed grinders and confiscate them anyway? Yes. But that’s only because we aren’t old enough for our vision to be fully developed yet.”
With a report on community input scheduled to be released at the beginning of next semester, the need for a cohesive agreement becomes more pressing. AUPD has offered to shoot down students’ doors to help them avoid additional lockout charges. AUPD spokesperson Weeboo Deepoo says, “Does student no want lockout charge? We will do it exactly like that one time Javier Bardem in ‘No Country for Old Men’ shoots down that door lock to kill Josh Brolin. Except we won’t kill you. Probably.”
Some surprising voices have yet to condemn the proposals. In fact, student media members across AU have quietly reached out to voice their support. “Of course I don’t want more guns on campus,” one anonymous columnist said. “But, God, think of the think pieces. We’re talking months of content here.”
This article was written by The Seagle’s staff and edited by India Siecke, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti
