The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Enough about “The Bridge” or “the Dav” or “the shadowy corner where the troll toll lies.” They’re all bad. And in an ever-polarizing economy where the only two places you can hang out are your home and your work, we need third places that are open and available 24/7.
These spots are where you find yourself, find your center and then pack it with concrete to be one with the industrialized earth. They’re signs of acceptance of what you’ll become after you perish. One of them is also where I’m writing this from. Which beautiful parking lot? You’ll have to guess!
Also, I’m tired of putting positivity first so we’re going from worst to best this time.
- The main pathways on the quad: This is where administration curb stomps you for freely protesting and sharing materials. That’s why there’s so many potholes.
- The weird maze in front of the Kay Spiritual Life Center: Reminds me too much of the Life360 logo. Is it supposed to be a contemporary thumbprint? This concrete is actually a lovely stone, smooth and gray, but then it’s ruined by all this soft weird green hair sticking in between the cracks. Make up your mind!
- SIS courtyard: NO! What we have here is NOT AN ADEQUATE THIRD PLACE! All I see are beams of sunlight warming up what would’ve been beautiful walls of brutalist gray. This place also has roomy tables and chairs with umbrellas, but we are not WEENIES. They’re red herrings meant to divert our goal to be one with the concrete.
- The waterfall in front of Katzen: Plenty of varying levels and platforms to help you find the best position to assimilate with the concrete. Beautiful smooth stone as well, so it’s beginner-friendly. But then it ruins itself with NON CONCRETE MATERIALS like ugly little metal bumps to prevent anyone from comfortably laying down. Absolute abysmal garbage getting in the way of our goal.
- Entirety of East Campus: One time I lost my glasses and everything from ground-to-building-to-weird-plant-fountain-with-the-eagle-statue had blended into one landscape. I’m forever stuck circling like a pinball in an environment where everything's the same color of concrete. Beautifully smooth concrete, but all I can do is walk aimlessly and complain.
- Little parking lot behind Bender Library: Baby smooth concrete. Perhaps one of the best places to skate and do little doggy tricks for the faculty staring out of the window, if it wasn’t so tiny. Imagine the sheer pleasure you’ll develop trying to pursue your passion for inline skating after finding this little island of smoothness.
Jasmine Shi is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks and Julia Patton.
