The following piece is an opinion and does not reflect the views of The Eagle and its staff. All opinions are edited for grammar, style and argument structure and fact-checked, but the opinions are the writer’s own.
In the first week of work, I tried to become someone I was not.
After a grueling six months of not feeling like I was “enough” during my summer internship search, I finally received an offer letter to be a newsroom intern in May. My self-esteem was on the floor at that point. Until I stepped foot into the office, I imagined countless worst-case scenarios of my internship being rescinded due to a mistaken offer letter.
Some may call me a raging pessimist, but seeing hundreds of LinkedIn notifications starting with, “I am so excited to …” while only receiving rejections will do that to you. I was knee-deep into the phenomenon that everyone warns about but doesn’t tell you how to overcome: imposter syndrome — the repeated feeling or thought that one is incompetent or not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary — as defined by McLean Hospital.
Even so, on the first day of work, regardless of a few blunders of pulling a push door or my inability to locate the office door chime, I felt invincible and ready to conquer anything thrown my way.
Walking into the newsdesk — in a surprising twist — I was told they were not expecting a newsroom intern, and I was the new trainee. Therefore, I could not get started until I received log-in credentials for a computer.
With no assignments to tackle, all I could do was observe. I spent the day shadowing and observing my new coworkers — how they spoke to each other, the different ways each person dealt with stress, their roles I assumed — writing it all down to quickly learn how the newsroom operated. At the time, I thought it was best to keep to myself without bothering anyone, but I regretted that later in the week.
The next day, there was a new face I did not recognize. Her name was Grace, and she was the current trainee, finishing up her six-month trainee program. She was everything I wanted to be.
I immediately sensed a shift in the energy from Grace’s presence from the hours I observed the day before. She was not only amazing at her job but was everyone’s break from a stressful work environment through her laugh that echoed throughout the newsroom and the jokes she made at all the right times.
Slowly but surely, I could feel the imposter syndrome creeping back into my mind. Despite knowing of Grace’s months of experience, I felt I could never be enough until I became the “new Grace.”
I also quickly learned that her last day was approaching, and as the one to follow in her footsteps, seeing the disappointment and hearing the despair about her leave from coworkers made the pressure very real.
Grace was my role model, but seeing her be the polar opposite of my reserved personality made me mark everything about mine as a flaw.
I noticed myself striving to be someone I was not every day. Although my job skills improved daily and I felt more comfortable in that aspect, I could not shake the feeling that my personality — one that is not as extroverted and humorous as Grace — was lacking. In a room full of outgoing and big personalities, I felt like an imposter. I was always taught about and experienced imposter syndrome in skills and achievements, but it never occurred to me that it could be applied elsewhere, especially to my personality.
A while after Grace left, I dragged on the weight of becoming her exact replacement. However, with the arrival of a new intern with a completely different personality and so much to offer, I realized the importance of growing from the influence of others rather than trying to become their replica.
Although I went through a period of attempting to imitate Grace’s every move, I felt the positive impact she made on me since meeting her.
When I stopped trying to become my role model and learned from her instead, I started to add to my sense of self instead of completely changing it. I may still come off a little too serious, but I have accepted that I just focus on perfecting every task. I now go out of my way to talk to others and step out of my comfort zone to voice my opinions more to balance out my “seriousness.”
Imposter syndrome is real, whether it concerns skills, accomplishments or even personality, and when it concerns personality, sometimes it is necessary to experience it to overcome it.
Difficult experiences can sometimes be labeled as unnecessary, especially with imposter syndrome, which is out of one’s control. However, even through the strain of it all, there is always a way to use such experiences to your advantage.
Sara Shibata is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and School of Communication and a columnist for The Eagle.
This piece was edited by Alana Parker, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks and Charlie Mennuti.
