The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
I wrote her a soliloquy:
(Act I)
Barf me out through shawty’s bad, bodacious bod, through those beautiful, bountiful eyes.
Give me a body booklet for her hotness, to define the bold blossoming of my boyish tastes.
I wanna bogart her beautiful bowlegged legs,
and swim in between them like it’s a bouillon.
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She makes me wanna boogie, try both being your father and your friend.
If I were you, I’d bolster those bolts
before the bombast of me comes crashing through your mom’s wall.
Cuz I’d play her like a bongo, boondoggle her like it’s Reagan ‘87.
(Act II)
“I crave. I crave, but I haven’t yearned.”- George Costanza
Your cashmere sweater.
The tender slip of your skin showed the nakedness of your vulnerability.
Something so simple as wiping down your child’s mattress. You wash through your love to prove you can act.
Roommate, I’ve found an idol to become. I am nothing but rumination and emulation.
I am Medusa before the tragedy. I am Please Stay Longer.
At night I rock from wave to wave dreaming I can be better.
(Act III)
I am disgusting.
I am granted grime, and the idiocy of lust.
I am stuck in a world where I am here and you are there
I see the barrier of distance as an uncrossable sea, yet
I want you still.
Are you lonely like I am? Does that sweater keep you as warm as my arms?
I can be the big spoon. (Or the little one if you’re into that.)
I hound and I pray and I prey.
I cannot keep the internal dog within me for a moment longer.
(Act IV)
You came back.
The sun is ripe again!
Jasmine Shi is a sophomore in the School of Communications and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.
