Celebration rang out across campus yesterday afternoon, as Fredrick King was officially inaugurated as the Executive Vice Director of Campus Life Committees. After weeks of intense campaigning and debate in the hallowed halls of the Kogod School of Business, King was elected to the newly added position in a landslide, managing to draw in a historic 4 percent of the student body to vote in the uncontested election.
“Finally, we’ll be able to take change-making to the next level,” exclaimed Co-Treasurer of the Senior Judicial Board Rebecca Kaiser. “When we hit 3,000 people, we were actually almost able to pass a resolution to consider voting on a bill that would merge the Student Communications Delegation and the Undergraduate Outreach Council. That got shot down immediately … But this is our time now! With this many more people, how could we not get something done?”
Kaiser was far from the only optimistic member of the organization. Passion for the school’s famed Student Government has always been high, but it has absolutely exploded over the past decade. Recent data shows that students with SG ties now comprise 97 percent of the School of Public Affairs. Additionally, while the destruction of the College of Arts and Sciences is still fresh in the minds of the student body, the leaders of SPA insist that the students of New Kerwin (formerly Battelle-Tompkins) are well on their way to becoming civilized students of political science.
For now, though, King is already brainstorming how he believes he can bring about changes to make American University a better institution.
“My first act? Change. My second act? Change. And not that old change that only changed the things that didn’t need changing. This is new change! Change that changes things that need new changing. We’re changing what changes and that can even be changed!” King explained.
“That being said, I’m forming the Chief Directory Committee on Organizational Agenda Setting effective immediately. Mark my words, we’ll get to voting on debating proposed resolutions in no time now!” King added.
With this new milestone in mind, Seagle reporters asked new University President Jonathon Alger how he would handle the ever-expanding Student Government.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to change a thing. Sylvia filled me in on how this club works. And I have to say, it’s so refreshing to see that even college students can still play pretend,” Alger said. “When I was young, I used to play astronaut, but if these nice kids want to play government, that’s fine with me. They even bring me these cute little resolutions and proposals. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that they seriously expect me to read these! I mean, my trash bin is starting to overflow.”
Whatever the case, the students of SG are confident that the future is bright, as Kaiser reported in our correspondence. Though funds for SG have decreased since last year, the budget remains similarly sized to the annual spending of a small country.
“We have a financial meeting next week, and we’re going to make the very most of it,” Kaiser said. “The board of trustees could only shell out a few billion this year, but we’re going to ensure that it gets used right. I am happy to report that things have never been better at our campus’ proudest organization!”
Jack Leary is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Nicole Kariuki, Charlie Mennuti and Ella Rousseau.
