The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
As we enter our third month in Tenleytown, homesickness has set in. Like every bad person you’ve ever met on this infernal campus, most of our dynamic satire team is from the Olive Garden State. So, let’s count down the top 12 things we miss about the happiest place on earth.
1. Phil Murphy
- NEED HIM BAD.
2. Cape May
- It’s Exit 1 on the turnpike. That’s something, right? It realistically has the fourth best boardwalk in the state. But in our hearts, it’s number one in being old,white and named Cape May.
3. THE Slime Monster
- Where do you think all the beautiful bagels come from? That’s right, the water from the radioactive slime monster. Unfortunately, many years ago an arrant sorcerer separated the Slime Monster into Good and Evil. The good stays with us in our Italian bakeries and the evil has congealed into its twin brother Rudy Guiliana. Ayo, babey!
4. Jack Leary (satire staff member)
- Okay sure, he’s technically from Pennsylvania, but close enough. He’s a famed ally to New Jersey who says (and we quote) “I don’t know Jersey like that.” That’s classic New Jersey honesty.
5. Xenophobia to every nation in the world that isn’t Italy
- If your town doesn’t have a pizzeria on your block you’re not allowed to eat. In fact, you don’t even live in Jersey. You’re basically in Delaware. Say hello to Joe Biden (and his beautiful, bountiful rest stop). I bet you’ve never even been to Eataly. Don’t pretend to be one of us unless every man you went to high school with had wet slicked-back hair, a silver cross, and a future in realty.
- On a side note I have your money Tony, I swear, I just need a little more time to launder it.
6. Every living person
- And a select few who have passed. Looking at you Connie Chung. Miss you hard, diva.
7. India Siecke’s close personal friend Char Butler
- What up goose!
8. How close it is to cities not in Jersey
- There’s nothing like a quick day trip to a metropolitan jaunt! From New Jersey you can get to the far reaches of:
- Philly, New York, Wilmington, Boston (if you have the time), Chattanooga (if you’ve got even more time), Wilmington again and you know what screw it. One for us. Secaucus. Damn, that Secaucus, what can’t you do.
9. Having people pump your gas for you
- The economy has never been bigger, brighter or more boisterous in our beautiful Garden State, where salmon run up rivers of clean black petrol.
10. Bureaucratic Hoops
- Having to jump through all those totally reasonable bureaucratic hoops made our calves lean and strong. Good thing the Cake Boss (famed baker and television personality Bartolo “Buddy” Valestro) is there to fatten them back up.
11. The New Jersey Devils
- No, not the hockey team, the (gabba)ghouls, spirits and other nefarious tricksters that fester within the hollow souls of all 9 million New Jersey residents. That's like 18 times the population of Iceland by the way. Lotta ghouls…. lotta ghouls…
12. New Jersey
- What can we say? Fuggedaboutit!
This piece was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Ella Rousseau, Nicole Kariuki and Charles Mennuti.
