The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
From going “boy sober” to outright boy quitting, many Gen Zers are waiting longer to lose their virginity. Even after losing it, Gen Zers report having less sex than previous generations, regardless of sexuality. Here at the Seagle, we interviewed abstinent Eagles to see why they’ve made this highly personal choice.
Char Butler, 19
They/she, Lesbian
I’ve become a bit of an influencer within lesbian loser twitter. My posts have really started taking off, I mean we’re talking likes in the high tens, sometimes even the low twenties. Having a positive sexual relationship would decrease the quality of my work. Ask yourself what’s better, everlasting fame in the upper echelons of intellectual society or five sweaty minutes with some yoni?
Evan Barron, 18
He/him, Bisexual
I don’t have my drivers license.
Amelia Timminsch
She/her, Straight
My boyfriend and I have talked about going further, but every time we get close I clam up. What if I stumble upon the sword of Excalibur (of which you must be pure of body, heart and soul)? My sullied form would never be able to lift the sword and harmoniously rule the British Isles. I mean, I’m only getting this degree in the School of International Service so that I understand the delicate social and economic workings of the United Kingdom on the off chance that I take my rightful place at the head of the round table. Why would I ever risk that?
Liam Burton
He/him, Straight
Ever since the 2020 Democratic primary I’ve been saving myself for moderate Democratic Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar. #klobslob.
Maddie Caruso
She/she, Bisexual
I’m on an abstinence pledge until the U.S. government ends its morally bankrupt practice of partisan gerrymandering. Or until I start to feel normal thoughts about another living person seeing my naked body. Whichever comes first I guess.
Shreya Gaven
Any pronouns, Bisexual
I’m in the midst of a fast and dirty reelection for the Class of 2027 senator, so I can’t have any Bill Clinton moments blowing my chances.
India Siecke is a junior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor for the Eagle.
This piece was edited by Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Ella Rousseau and Nicole Kariuki.
