The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
With your weak little Gen-Z mind maxed out between the presidential race, iced coffee and “being part of your symphony,” American University has been cooking up something sinister, something devilish, something — beautiful?
With our own presidential turnover, plenty of changes were bound to take place, the latest of which are plans to open a new college to cater to the needs of AU and her loyal students. The AU Medical school has been long rumored, and today, we at The Seagle are happy to report the first wind that it is definitely, totally, absolutely not coming. Instead, the University has announced its plan to open a Renaissance Academy of Bronze Italian Epic Sculpture, just to piss you off. In truth, the school, R.A.B.I.E.S. for short, has long been in the works. Ever since the registrar looked at the course catalog two weeks ago and realized we had an art history major.
The Seagle got the chance to sit down with the current registrar to discuss lofty plans for R.A.B.I.E.S.
“It comes down to student empowerment,” comments current AU Registrar Shelly Leaflicker. “Every student should feel welcomed at R.A.B.I.E.S. In fact, not just welcomed, but supported, empowered by R.A.B.I.E.S. Everyone will love R.A.B.I.E.S. The idea came to me when I read an article or something about how much people used to do this stuff. Like, can you imagine everybody making sculptures and crap? Like woah.” The Seagle later clarified that no such article exists, and Leaflicker was quoting a YouTube Short.
“I mean mostly I just think it would be funny, right? Like right? Like we should use the money to build a sculpture school like blah just spitballing here but right?” Leaflicker said.
While this particular piece of the interview seems fun and conversational, The Seagle would like to elaborate that Leaflicker recited this in a perfect monotone and without blinking.
Not all of American University is feeling the love for the new academy, though. Several students spoke to The Seagle about their discontent with the budget redistribution. “I mean it’s just ridiculous, they’re being completely unreasonable,” said College of Arts and Sciences sophomore, Gus Abernathy. “AU is turning our shoestring budget into a baby-shoe string budget, freakin’ velcro! We used to have rough money to at least get lab rats, but now we have to ‘harness our creative visions’ instead. If I had a creative vision I wouldn’t be in STEM, dingus.”
Other members of the University community aren’t so unhappy with a change of pace. “A lot of us professors were notified via rock-through-the-window that we were actually being reassigned to R.A.B.I.E.S.,” explains Professor Rashida Cook. “I actually couldn’t be more excited to be teaching marble rendering and stippling in the spring. Do I know what any of that means? No. But I’m a professor of American Studies and I don’t know what that means either, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be just fine.”
Women, gender and sexuality studies professor Cheryl Canning adds “I don’t really see any change. By the time we’re done breaking down the constructs of identity, acknowledging land and thinking about intersectional approaches there’s barely time for anything else anyway. Besides, all those Renaissance artists were huge [REDACTED] anyways. We can say [REDACTED], right? No, I’m a professor of gender. Of course, I can say [REDACTED] you [REDACTED]-censoring [REDACTED]. Go play in the road.”
Despite our dignity rolling around in the mud like a piglet, The Seagle will always stay hot on the pulse of what’s really happening at AU for you, the loyal reader. That is, until next semester when The Seagle office is converted into a school bronze smithy.
Aidan Dowell is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist and cartoonist for The Eagle.
This piece was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Emma Brown, Nicole Kariuki, Sabine Kanter-Huchting and Charlie Mennuti.
