From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's December 2024 print edition. You can find the digital version here.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Students really felt like there was something in the air this election season, and as former President Donald Trump was edging Vice President Kamala Harris in Wisconsin, students were edging American University (about their voter status). It’s all AU talked about; they were obsessed. They wanted you (to vote) even more than they wanted your money, and they really want your money.
You know AU was down bad because they were ignoring every red flag in the book. They wanted you (to vote) whether you were uninformed, crazy or an Ohioan who saw the debate and thought maybe your childhood dog Buster never actually went to a farm upstate but was instead feasted on by your neighbors. It didn’t matter. AU still wanted you to tear through that ballot as fast as a car next to the Tenleytown Wawa.
They would’ve taken any voter — AU loves to rack up a (voter) body count — but you know how much they love a good swing state voter. There’s just something about the way a Pennsylvanian fills out that ballot that gets the wonk bus going. It’s just those wrist movements, you know, as they work their way down the ballot, filling out president and senator and then having to Google what the hell a city commissioner is. And then the way they lick the envelope to seal that mail-in ballot. It makes AU reminiscent of the days when voters were always on the poll. That always made AU excited ... for the completion of one’s civic duty.
Weeks went by, but still, AU heard nothing back from any students. Maybe it was their first time; they were just shy cause they had never voted before and they didn’t know how to make the first move. AU kept trying. Who knows, maybe they could even be the determining factor in the highly coveted three D.C. electoral votes. But then, finally, after months of pining, students finally agreed to go out (and vote) with AU. In preparation, AU mowed the lawn, threw an ambiguous festival on the quad and even got Panera to bring back their soups. AU wanted the night to be perfect.
And it was. Right as the night was ending, the voters lingered for a bit outside their dorm rooms. “I had a really nice time tonight,” they said, staring for a minute and brushing a piece of hair behind their ear before slowly leaning in to hand over an absentee ballot form. “Maybe we can do this again next year?” And with that, AU smiled (well, it would if it had a face), knowing it would see them again at the midterms, but for now, AU had finished (its job increasing voter turnout).
Eric Steinberg is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Rebeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Emma Brown, Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Ariana Kavoossi, Ella Rousseau, Nicole Kariuki and Charlie Mennuti.
