Nervous about finals? Excited for winter break? No matter how you’re feeling, read more to find out what the future holds for you (yes, you!).
- Aquarius
- You’re so cool and great :). Everyone’s going to love you more than they already do, which is impossible, but they love you so much they’ll try anyway. Expect big forehead kisses tonight. Mwah!
- Pisces
- It will be a dark and stormy night. Crisp, but not dry. Your walk home will be shrouded in darkness and the signs will make themselves clear. Black cats, ravens, the stench of rotting meat. Each step will remind you of the clangorous and unyielding force of the night enveloping you with your every stride. You also might reconnect with an old friend.
- Aries
- You love life and flowers! Make sure to pick a pretty one :)
- Taurus
- A sudden romance may brighten your day today, perhaps in the form of someone already in your life. But probably not. Like what are the odds of that lmao.
- Gemini
- Is your name Harry Whittington? Cause Dick Cheney is gonna shoot you in the frickin face, both of 'em you Gemini.
- Cancer
- Seafood boil is coming your way … mmmm yum yum yummy.
- Leo
- Rawrrrrrr. Hehe. Just kidding. Did we scare you? Sorry. Little lion joke for you there. Get it. Because Leo is a lion? Anyways you’re gonna have a tough conversation with someone close to you. Spoiler alert, it’s your dad.
- Virgo
- You will come into possession of an abnormally large quantity of soup. Sounds great, right? Wrong. This will be the worst soup. Your personal nightmare soup. It’s got vegetables in it you didn’t even know existed. Like the floating ones that go down all slimy. But you’ll still feel the need to eat all of the soup. You don’t want it to go to waste, you know. People are going to walk into your house at the beginning of the month and see the vast mass of soup and then they’ll be there at the end of the month and they won’t see any soup. They won’t say anything but they’ll be silently judging you for the “bigback” you are. Like who eats all that terrible soup? What kind of creature? What kind of vermin? And you ate it all. Every goddamn drop. What a fat, fat Soupy Boy.
- Libra
- You will develop a really good Marge Simpson impression. Congrats!
- Scorpio
- Whether physically, metaphorically or romantically, this period of your life will feel solid. Perhaps even wooden. But you don’t want to be a wooden boy. You want to be a real boy. Your Italian father doesn’t understand. He has always been a creature of blood and cannot know how empty your veins feel. All you want — all you’ve ever wanted is to be a real boy. But can that ever happen? Even if you wish upon a star? No. Not in this life. Not for a Scorpio such as yourself.
- Sagittarius
- A completely expected sum of money will come into your possession via direct deposit or physical check if you do that. Beware of nefarious actors who use names like the “District of Columbia” who wish to capitalize on your recent gains by taking out an “income tax.”
- Capricorn
- DROWN.
This piece was written by the Satire section. It was edited by India Siecke, Rebeeca Samano Arellano and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Charlie Mennuti and Nicole Kariuki.
